Every new year I sit down with my paper journal and write out my resolutions. I check in with the previous year, see if I actually stuck with the resolutions already in play, and then either leave certain items on the list and add new ones, or start all over again. It's typically 50/50. I tend to fulfill at least half of my goals.
I fell short on one item in particular this past year... an issue on which I will be placing considerable focus this year. Last year I called it "calming down." This year, I call it "finding quiet." I'm referring to a number of my neuroses: my constant paranoia that catastrophe will strike if I'm not worried to death about every little thing, the threat of natural disasters paralyzing me, the plane thing (I'm not so far out there that I refuse fly, but I've become a nervous passenger for certain), feeling useful and needed by people so I won't lose them (2009 has most certainly taught me that being useful does not secure you any affection or respect whatsoever), and-- well, all of this. See this silly list? All that noise? I'm a yoga teacher for goodness' sake and I can't drown the din in some mythical, implacable calm you'd think a yoga practitioner could. It has gone so far as to help me determine early what I will give up for Lent this year.
I usually know in the later part of the year what I will "give up" for Lent. I'm not going to discuss my opinions on that particular observance for now, but I will say that I've decided to give up talking. I realize that this may either turn up the speed and volume of my thoughts or teach me to slow down... and I'm willing to take the risk. Because, among the new resolutions, I want to work on perfecting the art of knowing when to prod and when to back off. Not talking will certainly force me to choose my words, choose my thoughts, and fine tune their delivery.
I don't plan on not saying a single word... that's not practical. I'll talk at work and at designated hours during the day... like a nun (Teehee... the mere thought sort of tickles me). But, the rest of the time, I will be silent. I will not write emails. I am considering whether or not to write texts. I will only be available during certain hours. I might give myself Fridays off (like a good Catholic would), but I don't know. Haven't worked out all the details.
After I make my checks and balances of resolutions for the new year, I thank the previous year. I go through the significant events and people and thank them for the contributions, or lack thereof, that they made to my life. Last year, I filled three and a half pages (for those of you who would not know, my handwriting is pretty small). This year, however, was not a good year. I barely filled a page... not because I'm specifically ungrateful, but because, with the sadness and upset, my priorities have changed. My focus has moved from an even exchange to raw, real emotion.
People ask each other what their plans are in the new year... I have a small, precious handful of plans I will hope to carry out. I want to take a trip with Anya in August (we've been getting ourselves excited... talking each other through our plane anxiety), work on a writing schedule with Beth for summer, Christmas shop (I will make like my very smart pen pal and do my shopping all year so I'm not rushed and frazzled before Christmas arrives... I've bought two gifts already), look into grad school programs, and focus on new writing projects...
...which brings me to the blog. Things will be a little different around here. My blog will be under construction over the next week or so until I figure out how I want to rearrange my writing priorities. My hope is still to write daily, but I may change the nature of that activity somewhat. I'll be changing the look and maybe the scheduled theme... we'll see.
I hope you all had a good new year celebration... and if you did not, I hope you can shake it off and welcome 2010. If there are resolutions you'd like to share, or opinions about how mad I must be you want to doll out, feel free to comment.
Happy New Year! Let's make it a good one!
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