I am not the only one who seems to miss Carl Sagan... to want to somehow make a tribute to his genius, his poetry...
...and I'm certainly not the most creative (well, "creative" would be the polite term). Others clearly have feelings like mine that run deep and passionate about the lessons we've learned from some of the greatest minds of our time. They needed to find a way to express those feelings... and what could possibly be more emotive than music?
Watch and listen to either or both of the following videos:
Symphony of Science: We are all connected
Symphony of Science: The Unbroken Thread
OKAY. I know it's a little bit "Didn't Cher do this in a goofy love song some years ago?" Still, I think it's an interesting idea. And, to be perfectly honest, I can't get through either of these silly songs without crying. The makers took some of the most moving quotes from brilliant scientists and turned them into song...
...which is what I think Carl Sagan aspired to do throughout his career. He took these potentially complicated ideas within the world of science and astronomy... and turned them into poetry, into stories the rest of us could follow. These songs on YouTube do cheaply pull on the heartstrings, but I think they are in a similar vein as Carl's visions for offering information in a way that makes us all listen up.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Caught halfway between Heaven and Hell
Carl has been haunting me lately...
...and no wonder. I've been exposed to various topics on faith lately from myopic-minded fundamentalists, to the deeply mystic, to religiously and/or spiritually inspired people struggling to find their truths. I've dabbled in virtually all categories of spiritual searching. I was once like that girl in the French film Dieu est grand, je suis petite toute petite. Michèle attends the services of different religious groups... commits completely to a religion until it becomes apparent that she doesn't connect to the ideology and moves on to the next option. As young person, I attended a Lutheran church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, a Jewish synagogue, etc. I would read up on paganism, Wicca, Native American rituals, Buddhism, etc.
While my actual habits have not changed much in my adulthood (I still enjoy an occasional service at the nearby Lutheran church, celebrating Jewish holidays, and visiting the Buddhist temple in Carrollton when I have time), the way in which I commit to the ideas of each religion has changed drastically. I enjoy learning about religion... I am fascinated by all the very different, and yet all-too-similar, thoughts and gds and rituals people have created over the expanse of so very many human lifetimes.
But, at the end of the day, if you asked me what it is that I actually believe, I doubt that I could answer you. I am so torn between what I want to believe and what I do believe.
If I were to say what I want to believe... it would be colorful, and, naturally, limiting. I want to believe that there is a higher power. I want to believe that some benevolent force that knows much better than I do set this whole human experiment in motion. I do not care very much that this higher power actually intervenes with our lives, but I would like to think that this higher power would offer emotional inspiration (courage, strength, compassion, etc... whatever qualities would lead a person in the direction of something better, something good). I do not hope for a gd that does everything for us or who acts as a wish-granting creature. What would the point of our brains and hunger for truth and information be with a gd like that makes divine contributions? I want to believe in the human spirit, in the soul, and that this part of a human being lives on beyond death, offering us the opportunity to see our loved ones again as we all evolve to the next stage of existence together.
So, I want to believe that eternity and spirituality works a little like Richard Matheson's WHAT DREAMS MAY COME (the book, as usual, is better than the movie... though I like the movie, too).
All the while, I appreciate what Shintoism and Hinduism include in their rituals... a reverence to what they see with their own eyes. Nature, the cosmos, etc. There's more to both religions than these ideas, but the fact that something tangible is included is appealing to me. They don't shun the world as one might be encouraged to do within a fundamentalist Christian mindset. They find the plants and animals and the stars as fascinating as their own spiritual dreams... they know it's remarkable that everything is here at all.
So, that's what I want. However, as I reflect on one of the interviews Dr. Carl Sagan gave in the last years of his life, I have to regard my wants with skepticism before I accept the ideas attached to them as truth. To hear the relevant section of the interview I'm citing, Click Here.
What echoes in my head whenever I walk away from this interview is the admission Dr. Sagan makes about his own somewhat spiritual desires. Both of his parents passed away about 12 years prior to this talk with Charlie Rose. He says he'd give anything to talk to them again... for another five minutes. There are even times, he said, when he can hear, "Carl..." being called out in the voice of his mother or father. That doesn't intimate to him, however, that his parents' ghosts are wandering around in his house. He doesn't attach it to anything other than an auditory hallucination naturally stirred up by emotions and memories. He'd heard their voices enough in his lifetime to know how to conjure the sound perfectly, convincingly, maybe even in a disturbing way that made it seem real. So, if a medium says he can put Dr. Sagan in touch with his dead parents, Dr. Sagan would be forced to bring up extra reserves, view the situation with even more skepticism because he wants to talk to his parents again so, so very much.
I agree with him on this point. We, as people, are easily clouded by what we want. Before I heard Dr. Sagan's more eloquent assessment on this idea, I think I have been practicing rational hesitation before desire for some time. As a somewhat paraphrased example, long ago, I was romantically involved with a young man. He was the first person in my young life to cut off our relationship to pursue someone else. I was, naturally, very emotionally distressed by the situation. I was downtrodden and sad for three weeks. Then, he called me. He asked if we could talk. He told me that he had not pursued the other girl at all because he missed me. He was asking me why he would do this... feel certain he wanted something else, but feel drawn to return to me.
Now, my motivation for what I told him was based on my morality, not my love affair with science. However, I used the same method of skepticism to give him an answer or two that I considered to be closest to the truth. I offered that he was either scared to try something new with a new person and was therefor retreating to me, someone worn-in and familiar... or, that he had to face the option of being without me to bring his real feelings into focus. He was vulnerable, so, I felt it unfair to just give him the second option. I genuinely wanted him to make a decision based on what he found to be true.
So, how I can apply this type of critical searching to my spirituality? If someone wants to bring up the argument that I can't approach it logically because it's an issue of faith, then the article ends here. However, I cannot process something as "true" without something that tells my brain that this makes sense. If you want to argue that something like gd is too big for me to comprehend in my puny human brain, then the article ends here. However, if we accept that my need to make sense of things is my only pathway to accepting my truths, then let's keep going.
Click Here to hear Dr. Sagan's take on a big question like religion or the concept of gds. This clip comes from Dr. Sagan's mini-series Cosmos, which aired in 1980. He confronts the heated feelings that can accompany the discussion of The Big Bang and attempts to diffuse it (admittedly, with his atheist bias) with questions and discussions of logic. If we accept that the Big Bang is the scientific beginning of the universe, some say that it came from nothing and that Gd set the whole thing in motion. If we accept that Gd started all of this, then, Dr. Sagan asks that we have the courage to ask, "Where did Gd come from?" If we answer that Gd has always been there, no beginning or end, Dr. Sagan says we can just as easily deduce that the universe has always been there (if we're going to use an argument that has no explanation).
We can argue about his ideas on this until the end of time, but the logic resonates with me. If we can somewhat flippantly say that Gd always existed, we can just as easily say Gd never existed. With the universe, it is clearly around us, so, while we won't settle for the argument that the universe has always existed, we are at least in a position to scrutinize, to study, and to peer into the cosmos. (See also an interesting talk featuring Dr. Sagan and Dr. Stephen Hawking on this topic: Click Here.)
What perhaps is missing from all of this, however, is that people do believe Gd exists. Do we chalk this up to a mass delusion or can we investigate the somewhat subtler evidences of how we, rational beings, started looking for Gd in the first place. Dr. Sagan will always offer that there are a number of possibilities out there of things happening that we cannot explain, but his center of research is clearly centered on what he can find with his eyes, his intellect, his human effort.
Here's something I cannot readily explain: I tend to know how things will happen before they happen. Admittedly, this is particularly in the realm of human behavior. Dr. Sagan will call that logical prediction... that, anyone who observes closely enough what happens around them can eventually predict, or guess, with a high probability for accuracy what people will do, say, or how things occur in nature. I also tend to know weird things like the next song on the radio before it starts or the number of people who will come to a class or that someone I know is in trouble. Dr. Sagan would probably label all of that coincidence. Sometimes, I do, too. Other times, however, I think about how often this happens. Almost everyday there's a new example of something I seem to know ahead of time.
This usually completely unnerves me. I can't explain how I could know some of the things I know. I even have dreams of very specific events that do occur in their time. Now, I don't think that Gd is whispering in my ear... I do tend to wonder, however, considering also the duration of time I've spent in mindful observation, if I am not somehow "in tune" with the energies of people and things around me.
Being "in tune" is not a condition you're likely to find in too many science books... Maybe psych books, but, probably not in a flattering way. So, do we throw out the possibility that some people may have slightly above average prescience or should I just monitor myself? I could pay attention to how I feel emotionally when these predictions pop into my head... Do these predictions come to me when I'm involved in any particular activity? How do these predictions line up with my own hopes and desires for a particular outcome? After that, if I want to know the truth behind this, perhaps I can look up any studies of scientists who have tested others who claim to have an above average prescience.
Even without Dr. Sagan's help, I am more likely to trust my predictions when they come during yoga (when I'm calm, in Svanasana, and not thinking about anything specific) or when I'm peacefully sitting on the couch with my cat at home (a lack of my own emotional tumult makes way for a clear signal... like radio signals coming in clearer on a sunny day). I still think through every little twinge of a signal- I don't discount it immediately anymore than I trust it completely.
I guess I'm trying to do something similar with what I choose to believe spiritually. I don't really know how that's going to work out... I feel like I have the angel and devil sitting on either shoulder guiding me towards a sort of eastern mysticism on one side and a pragmatic search for evidence on the other. Fingers crossed, knock on wood, I hopefully have a lifetime to work through these topics and settle in on something that feels like home.
In the meantime, I take comfort in looking up. At night, after I've survived the day, I turn my gaze to the heavens and thank my lucky stars. Do the stars hear my thanks? No. But, I'm grateful, and I just need to thank someone, something. If Gd exists, I assume Gd knows I'm grateful for this earth experiment and for all I can learn from the beauty and violence of the cosmos.
I believe in the stars. I believe, if Gd gave us brains, we ought to use them. I believe feelings are beautiful and wondrously human. I believe we have the power to use our feelings for the betterment of all. I believe there's a lot we just won't ever know. I believe there's a lot we can still find out.
I never knew Carl, so it's hard to explain the feelings I get when I hear his interviews, read astronomy news, and start to cry, as if my own flesh and blood had recently passed away. I feel as though I miss him. Carl would tell me it's the character he plays on TV with whom I wish I could connect. It's his work and words that drive my emotions and I naturally associate the ideas with him, the person. I'd like to think that he's wrong about a few things. So few people inspire me spiritually... he's one of them, even if that's not what he might have expected.
I think the universe is not the same without him on Earth.
(from http://sse.jpl.nasa.gov)
...and no wonder. I've been exposed to various topics on faith lately from myopic-minded fundamentalists, to the deeply mystic, to religiously and/or spiritually inspired people struggling to find their truths. I've dabbled in virtually all categories of spiritual searching. I was once like that girl in the French film Dieu est grand, je suis petite toute petite. Michèle attends the services of different religious groups... commits completely to a religion until it becomes apparent that she doesn't connect to the ideology and moves on to the next option. As young person, I attended a Lutheran church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, a Jewish synagogue, etc. I would read up on paganism, Wicca, Native American rituals, Buddhism, etc.
While my actual habits have not changed much in my adulthood (I still enjoy an occasional service at the nearby Lutheran church, celebrating Jewish holidays, and visiting the Buddhist temple in Carrollton when I have time), the way in which I commit to the ideas of each religion has changed drastically. I enjoy learning about religion... I am fascinated by all the very different, and yet all-too-similar, thoughts and gds and rituals people have created over the expanse of so very many human lifetimes.
But, at the end of the day, if you asked me what it is that I actually believe, I doubt that I could answer you. I am so torn between what I want to believe and what I do believe.
If I were to say what I want to believe... it would be colorful, and, naturally, limiting. I want to believe that there is a higher power. I want to believe that some benevolent force that knows much better than I do set this whole human experiment in motion. I do not care very much that this higher power actually intervenes with our lives, but I would like to think that this higher power would offer emotional inspiration (courage, strength, compassion, etc... whatever qualities would lead a person in the direction of something better, something good). I do not hope for a gd that does everything for us or who acts as a wish-granting creature. What would the point of our brains and hunger for truth and information be with a gd like that makes divine contributions? I want to believe in the human spirit, in the soul, and that this part of a human being lives on beyond death, offering us the opportunity to see our loved ones again as we all evolve to the next stage of existence together.
So, I want to believe that eternity and spirituality works a little like Richard Matheson's WHAT DREAMS MAY COME (the book, as usual, is better than the movie... though I like the movie, too).
All the while, I appreciate what Shintoism and Hinduism include in their rituals... a reverence to what they see with their own eyes. Nature, the cosmos, etc. There's more to both religions than these ideas, but the fact that something tangible is included is appealing to me. They don't shun the world as one might be encouraged to do within a fundamentalist Christian mindset. They find the plants and animals and the stars as fascinating as their own spiritual dreams... they know it's remarkable that everything is here at all.
So, that's what I want. However, as I reflect on one of the interviews Dr. Carl Sagan gave in the last years of his life, I have to regard my wants with skepticism before I accept the ideas attached to them as truth. To hear the relevant section of the interview I'm citing, Click Here.
What echoes in my head whenever I walk away from this interview is the admission Dr. Sagan makes about his own somewhat spiritual desires. Both of his parents passed away about 12 years prior to this talk with Charlie Rose. He says he'd give anything to talk to them again... for another five minutes. There are even times, he said, when he can hear, "Carl..." being called out in the voice of his mother or father. That doesn't intimate to him, however, that his parents' ghosts are wandering around in his house. He doesn't attach it to anything other than an auditory hallucination naturally stirred up by emotions and memories. He'd heard their voices enough in his lifetime to know how to conjure the sound perfectly, convincingly, maybe even in a disturbing way that made it seem real. So, if a medium says he can put Dr. Sagan in touch with his dead parents, Dr. Sagan would be forced to bring up extra reserves, view the situation with even more skepticism because he wants to talk to his parents again so, so very much.
I agree with him on this point. We, as people, are easily clouded by what we want. Before I heard Dr. Sagan's more eloquent assessment on this idea, I think I have been practicing rational hesitation before desire for some time. As a somewhat paraphrased example, long ago, I was romantically involved with a young man. He was the first person in my young life to cut off our relationship to pursue someone else. I was, naturally, very emotionally distressed by the situation. I was downtrodden and sad for three weeks. Then, he called me. He asked if we could talk. He told me that he had not pursued the other girl at all because he missed me. He was asking me why he would do this... feel certain he wanted something else, but feel drawn to return to me.
Now, my motivation for what I told him was based on my morality, not my love affair with science. However, I used the same method of skepticism to give him an answer or two that I considered to be closest to the truth. I offered that he was either scared to try something new with a new person and was therefor retreating to me, someone worn-in and familiar... or, that he had to face the option of being without me to bring his real feelings into focus. He was vulnerable, so, I felt it unfair to just give him the second option. I genuinely wanted him to make a decision based on what he found to be true.
So, how I can apply this type of critical searching to my spirituality? If someone wants to bring up the argument that I can't approach it logically because it's an issue of faith, then the article ends here. However, I cannot process something as "true" without something that tells my brain that this makes sense. If you want to argue that something like gd is too big for me to comprehend in my puny human brain, then the article ends here. However, if we accept that my need to make sense of things is my only pathway to accepting my truths, then let's keep going.
Click Here to hear Dr. Sagan's take on a big question like religion or the concept of gds. This clip comes from Dr. Sagan's mini-series Cosmos, which aired in 1980. He confronts the heated feelings that can accompany the discussion of The Big Bang and attempts to diffuse it (admittedly, with his atheist bias) with questions and discussions of logic. If we accept that the Big Bang is the scientific beginning of the universe, some say that it came from nothing and that Gd set the whole thing in motion. If we accept that Gd started all of this, then, Dr. Sagan asks that we have the courage to ask, "Where did Gd come from?" If we answer that Gd has always been there, no beginning or end, Dr. Sagan says we can just as easily deduce that the universe has always been there (if we're going to use an argument that has no explanation).
We can argue about his ideas on this until the end of time, but the logic resonates with me. If we can somewhat flippantly say that Gd always existed, we can just as easily say Gd never existed. With the universe, it is clearly around us, so, while we won't settle for the argument that the universe has always existed, we are at least in a position to scrutinize, to study, and to peer into the cosmos. (See also an interesting talk featuring Dr. Sagan and Dr. Stephen Hawking on this topic: Click Here.)
What perhaps is missing from all of this, however, is that people do believe Gd exists. Do we chalk this up to a mass delusion or can we investigate the somewhat subtler evidences of how we, rational beings, started looking for Gd in the first place. Dr. Sagan will always offer that there are a number of possibilities out there of things happening that we cannot explain, but his center of research is clearly centered on what he can find with his eyes, his intellect, his human effort.
Here's something I cannot readily explain: I tend to know how things will happen before they happen. Admittedly, this is particularly in the realm of human behavior. Dr. Sagan will call that logical prediction... that, anyone who observes closely enough what happens around them can eventually predict, or guess, with a high probability for accuracy what people will do, say, or how things occur in nature. I also tend to know weird things like the next song on the radio before it starts or the number of people who will come to a class or that someone I know is in trouble. Dr. Sagan would probably label all of that coincidence. Sometimes, I do, too. Other times, however, I think about how often this happens. Almost everyday there's a new example of something I seem to know ahead of time.
This usually completely unnerves me. I can't explain how I could know some of the things I know. I even have dreams of very specific events that do occur in their time. Now, I don't think that Gd is whispering in my ear... I do tend to wonder, however, considering also the duration of time I've spent in mindful observation, if I am not somehow "in tune" with the energies of people and things around me.
Being "in tune" is not a condition you're likely to find in too many science books... Maybe psych books, but, probably not in a flattering way. So, do we throw out the possibility that some people may have slightly above average prescience or should I just monitor myself? I could pay attention to how I feel emotionally when these predictions pop into my head... Do these predictions come to me when I'm involved in any particular activity? How do these predictions line up with my own hopes and desires for a particular outcome? After that, if I want to know the truth behind this, perhaps I can look up any studies of scientists who have tested others who claim to have an above average prescience.
Even without Dr. Sagan's help, I am more likely to trust my predictions when they come during yoga (when I'm calm, in Svanasana, and not thinking about anything specific) or when I'm peacefully sitting on the couch with my cat at home (a lack of my own emotional tumult makes way for a clear signal... like radio signals coming in clearer on a sunny day). I still think through every little twinge of a signal- I don't discount it immediately anymore than I trust it completely.
I guess I'm trying to do something similar with what I choose to believe spiritually. I don't really know how that's going to work out... I feel like I have the angel and devil sitting on either shoulder guiding me towards a sort of eastern mysticism on one side and a pragmatic search for evidence on the other. Fingers crossed, knock on wood, I hopefully have a lifetime to work through these topics and settle in on something that feels like home.
In the meantime, I take comfort in looking up. At night, after I've survived the day, I turn my gaze to the heavens and thank my lucky stars. Do the stars hear my thanks? No. But, I'm grateful, and I just need to thank someone, something. If Gd exists, I assume Gd knows I'm grateful for this earth experiment and for all I can learn from the beauty and violence of the cosmos.
I believe in the stars. I believe, if Gd gave us brains, we ought to use them. I believe feelings are beautiful and wondrously human. I believe we have the power to use our feelings for the betterment of all. I believe there's a lot we just won't ever know. I believe there's a lot we can still find out.
I never knew Carl, so it's hard to explain the feelings I get when I hear his interviews, read astronomy news, and start to cry, as if my own flesh and blood had recently passed away. I feel as though I miss him. Carl would tell me it's the character he plays on TV with whom I wish I could connect. It's his work and words that drive my emotions and I naturally associate the ideas with him, the person. I'd like to think that he's wrong about a few things. So few people inspire me spiritually... he's one of them, even if that's not what he might have expected.
I think the universe is not the same without him on Earth.
(from http://sse.jpl.nasa.gov)Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
First Day of the Routine
It's not that this concept was ever lost on me. I've known for some time that when one rises earlier in the morning, (or, in my case, before the afternoon), one is capable to getting more tasks accomplished.
What has kept me behind, I guess, is the fact that my sleep has not been restful since I was 16. So, I am attached to taking it easy. I hoard the time I spend reading, writing, sitting, thinking, doing nothing... because I'm in a perpetual state of catching up on sleep. I'm also one of those finicky sleepers. If my sleep is interrupted (I am a bit of a light sleeper, of course), I can't stay asleep. I fitfully toss in and out of heavy dreams that I won't remember for hours.
Knowing I had this experiment ahead of me from now until Easter, it wasn't as hard as it usually is to get up today (well, Anya sent me a chuckle on my phone to help get me out of bed, too). I changed my relationship with morning by giving myself no other option.
My cat was very confused. She followed me around, whining more than usual. I guess she assumed that, since I was up and getting ready, that I must be on my way out. I have to convince myself to get ready for things... and that tends to lead me up to the last minute (or 10 or 20 minutes beyond the last minute) before I should be walking out the door. I used to think I had "Late Syndrome" like most of the members of my family, but, now I think I'm a bad sleeper who, due to the sleep issue, is still learning how long it actually takes to do things.
I crawled out of bed around 8, brushed my teeth, and wandered out into the living room for breakfast. Not knowing exactly how my day would go (though I have a schedule, I have reasonably allowed for spontaneity), I decided to attempt my first contemplative act. I worked on an eating meditation from Thich Naht Hahn. His meditation involves looking at your food in front of you and seeing everything: seeing the seed, the sun, the water, the farmers, the growth process, the harvesters, the workers who create the final product, etc.
I had grits and kiwi (kiwi is not local, but, David bought it, so, I'm eating it). I had to do a little research to figure out how these foods are made. I learned that grits are basically bits of broken up corn and that kiwis grow on vines, but, the vines need reinforcement from a lattice gate or what have you to support the weight of their fruit. In nature, kiwi vines climb up a sturdy tree. While they can handle some cold, kiwis can't handle drastic, quick changes in temperature.
So, I tried to imagine someone planting many seeds. Then the glow of the sun and then the wind and rain. I see the first sprout. My mind creates one of those "grow-really-fast" camera shots and I see the sprout become either a stalk of corn or a limp, woody vine growing nearly circular, leathery green leaves. I imagine the corn stalks bulging and the vine budding both fruit and little flowers. I see workers with baskets, hear their shoes scrape the debris of drier leaves under their feet or mush the moist dirt around the vines. I watch them pick the corn or kiwis.
You get the idea.
Thich Naht Hahn also mentions that you should find gratitude for your food with the knowledge that others are going without. This thought hit me harder than I had anticipated... I imagined the workers themselves not being able to bring the food they harvest (for the likes of me) home with them to their families. I saw faces of people living near these farms, standing a mere few feet away from the fields...
Yeah. I can't do this every morning.
I will admit though... it makes me want to do something a little more proactive than clicking on the Hunger Site.
I got in the shower after I ate. I took care of the usual and then decided to tidy up the living room. I spent about two hours just picking up around the apartment... addressing the little things that pile up after a while. Then I had lunch, wrote a few emails, and prepared to go out into the world and run some errands.
I went to the front desk to ask about some magazines... some stranger has recently requested a subscription to Rachel Ray Magazine... but, they gave Rachel my address. I have been meaning to go to the front office for weeks now to ask them if this woman lives here in the neighborhood and just put down the wrong number... Alas, I'll have to go to the post office.
I went to the bank and the UPS store to send a package. Then I went to the nearby Bloom to get groceries so that I could try a new recipe or two from one of my new vegetarian cookbooks for dinner. I might never bother with Bloom again. I went out of convenient proximity, but, Bloom doesn't carry enough of the sort of products I'm comfortable buying (and their do-it-yourself scanner kept freezing on me). I ended up making another trip to Trader Joe's anyway to get a few things I needed.
I came home, had Caro over for dinner, and then I went out to a yoga class. At the studio, we affectionately refer to this Wednesday night class as "Death-by-Nancy," and I go anyway, to attempt to settle my discomfort with Vinyasa. However, on a night when I was hoping for some peace (not easiest to acquire in the dynamic, fast-paced practice of Vinyasa) I was pleased to find that my dear friend Stacy was teaching. While she works you hard, she also creates a meditative environment, a safe place to feel, to rest, to reach. I rejoined Caro after class for some tea and Frasier before coming home to sit with my cat and write.
I haven't been this productive since college.
We'll see how easy it is for me to wake up tomorrow. My day will be somewhat lacking in numbers of actual activities, though, I do need to go to work in the evening and teach. I'll check in every ten days or so to discuss the experiment.
Good luck to the rest of you experiencing your first day of Lent- one down and 39 to go! The pastor whose church I used to attend has some decent thoughts on Lenten goals: Click Me
On a personal side, Happy Birthday, Tristan! Sorry your birthday fell on Ash Wednesday this year... sheesh...
What has kept me behind, I guess, is the fact that my sleep has not been restful since I was 16. So, I am attached to taking it easy. I hoard the time I spend reading, writing, sitting, thinking, doing nothing... because I'm in a perpetual state of catching up on sleep. I'm also one of those finicky sleepers. If my sleep is interrupted (I am a bit of a light sleeper, of course), I can't stay asleep. I fitfully toss in and out of heavy dreams that I won't remember for hours.
Knowing I had this experiment ahead of me from now until Easter, it wasn't as hard as it usually is to get up today (well, Anya sent me a chuckle on my phone to help get me out of bed, too). I changed my relationship with morning by giving myself no other option.
My cat was very confused. She followed me around, whining more than usual. I guess she assumed that, since I was up and getting ready, that I must be on my way out. I have to convince myself to get ready for things... and that tends to lead me up to the last minute (or 10 or 20 minutes beyond the last minute) before I should be walking out the door. I used to think I had "Late Syndrome" like most of the members of my family, but, now I think I'm a bad sleeper who, due to the sleep issue, is still learning how long it actually takes to do things.
I crawled out of bed around 8, brushed my teeth, and wandered out into the living room for breakfast. Not knowing exactly how my day would go (though I have a schedule, I have reasonably allowed for spontaneity), I decided to attempt my first contemplative act. I worked on an eating meditation from Thich Naht Hahn. His meditation involves looking at your food in front of you and seeing everything: seeing the seed, the sun, the water, the farmers, the growth process, the harvesters, the workers who create the final product, etc.
I had grits and kiwi (kiwi is not local, but, David bought it, so, I'm eating it). I had to do a little research to figure out how these foods are made. I learned that grits are basically bits of broken up corn and that kiwis grow on vines, but, the vines need reinforcement from a lattice gate or what have you to support the weight of their fruit. In nature, kiwi vines climb up a sturdy tree. While they can handle some cold, kiwis can't handle drastic, quick changes in temperature.
So, I tried to imagine someone planting many seeds. Then the glow of the sun and then the wind and rain. I see the first sprout. My mind creates one of those "grow-really-fast" camera shots and I see the sprout become either a stalk of corn or a limp, woody vine growing nearly circular, leathery green leaves. I imagine the corn stalks bulging and the vine budding both fruit and little flowers. I see workers with baskets, hear their shoes scrape the debris of drier leaves under their feet or mush the moist dirt around the vines. I watch them pick the corn or kiwis.
You get the idea.
Thich Naht Hahn also mentions that you should find gratitude for your food with the knowledge that others are going without. This thought hit me harder than I had anticipated... I imagined the workers themselves not being able to bring the food they harvest (for the likes of me) home with them to their families. I saw faces of people living near these farms, standing a mere few feet away from the fields...
Yeah. I can't do this every morning.
I will admit though... it makes me want to do something a little more proactive than clicking on the Hunger Site.
I got in the shower after I ate. I took care of the usual and then decided to tidy up the living room. I spent about two hours just picking up around the apartment... addressing the little things that pile up after a while. Then I had lunch, wrote a few emails, and prepared to go out into the world and run some errands.
I went to the front desk to ask about some magazines... some stranger has recently requested a subscription to Rachel Ray Magazine... but, they gave Rachel my address. I have been meaning to go to the front office for weeks now to ask them if this woman lives here in the neighborhood and just put down the wrong number... Alas, I'll have to go to the post office.
I went to the bank and the UPS store to send a package. Then I went to the nearby Bloom to get groceries so that I could try a new recipe or two from one of my new vegetarian cookbooks for dinner. I might never bother with Bloom again. I went out of convenient proximity, but, Bloom doesn't carry enough of the sort of products I'm comfortable buying (and their do-it-yourself scanner kept freezing on me). I ended up making another trip to Trader Joe's anyway to get a few things I needed.
I came home, had Caro over for dinner, and then I went out to a yoga class. At the studio, we affectionately refer to this Wednesday night class as "Death-by-Nancy," and I go anyway, to attempt to settle my discomfort with Vinyasa. However, on a night when I was hoping for some peace (not easiest to acquire in the dynamic, fast-paced practice of Vinyasa) I was pleased to find that my dear friend Stacy was teaching. While she works you hard, she also creates a meditative environment, a safe place to feel, to rest, to reach. I rejoined Caro after class for some tea and Frasier before coming home to sit with my cat and write.
I haven't been this productive since college.
We'll see how easy it is for me to wake up tomorrow. My day will be somewhat lacking in numbers of actual activities, though, I do need to go to work in the evening and teach. I'll check in every ten days or so to discuss the experiment.
Good luck to the rest of you experiencing your first day of Lent- one down and 39 to go! The pastor whose church I used to attend has some decent thoughts on Lenten goals: Click Me
On a personal side, Happy Birthday, Tristan! Sorry your birthday fell on Ash Wednesday this year... sheesh...
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
My Mardi Gras
Traditionally, people go out on Mardi Gras... get a little crazy. They go overboard on one of their favorite vices... which ever one, that is, they will be "giving up" for the following 40 days and 40 nights. I, on the other hand, spent my day with Anya mulling over what to give up this year.
It's been said that one is not supposed to discuss his or her Lenten sacrifice to others. I think the point of this relates to those who would boast about their righteous holiness by demonstrating their austere actions during Lent out in the open. However, since everyone knows I'm neither righteous nor holy, I'm going to talk about it.
Because Lent, for me, is more of a mental, psychological exercise. I look forward to Lent. It gives me an opportunity to take stock of my life over the past year and discover where I'm acting in excess. I appreciate being able to prove to myself that there is almost nothing in this world I cannot live without (save, of course, my loved ones).
My first Lent, I decided to go full throttle. I gave up chocolate, coffee, and soda. I did this largely because all of these things were enormously aggravating to my system due to my FMS. I was pretty unpleasant that Lent, I admit, but I made it. After that, it was pretty easy to pass up any of those three items to avoid physical discomfort. Another year, I gave up all sweets. Fruit was allowed, natural sugars, but no refined sugars or desserts. That was a great experiment because it has knocked my taste for "bad sugar" out of me. I like a very occasional piece of chocolate or dessert, but certainly not everyday. Last year I gave up watching TV (I don't have cable, so, I guess I really gave up watching Frasier).
It's gotten to the point where I'm not sure if I have any excess left to give up.
I had played around with the idea of a vow of silence. The chances of me ever joining a monastery are laughably slim, so, I thought this might be a good time to experience the discretion they must exercise when they are allowed to speak. When your time to talk is limited, I would imagine that you choose only what's most important to you to say when your time to talk finally arrives.
Then, I read something somewhere... To paraphrase, I read that one should not choose to give up anything that interferes with others around you. This is a personal exercise. So, after some thought, I decided that a vow of silence would be a little difficult to work out without affecting everyone I know who interacts with me on a regular basis.
So, I guess I asked myself what it was I really wanted out of a vow of silence. The only times I could be silent without bothering anyone would be times I'm silent already. I'm not particularly an excessive talker. So, why was I so interested in shutting up?
I found that what I wanted was more concentrated time to be quiet so that I could find some clarity, to open channels to peaceful, constructive contemplation.
Therefor, I've decided to include moments in my days that will definitely ask me to be quiet, but I wanted to go a step further. If I'm really honest, what I do have in excess is a lack of a routine...
...so, I'm doing the unthinkable... I'm going to set for myself, a routine...
Oh boy.
Thanks for dinner and the King Cake, Anya... I'll be thinking about that cake when I get up at 8 tomorrow morning...
(from http://ediblecrafts.craftgossip.com)
It's been said that one is not supposed to discuss his or her Lenten sacrifice to others. I think the point of this relates to those who would boast about their righteous holiness by demonstrating their austere actions during Lent out in the open. However, since everyone knows I'm neither righteous nor holy, I'm going to talk about it.
Because Lent, for me, is more of a mental, psychological exercise. I look forward to Lent. It gives me an opportunity to take stock of my life over the past year and discover where I'm acting in excess. I appreciate being able to prove to myself that there is almost nothing in this world I cannot live without (save, of course, my loved ones).
My first Lent, I decided to go full throttle. I gave up chocolate, coffee, and soda. I did this largely because all of these things were enormously aggravating to my system due to my FMS. I was pretty unpleasant that Lent, I admit, but I made it. After that, it was pretty easy to pass up any of those three items to avoid physical discomfort. Another year, I gave up all sweets. Fruit was allowed, natural sugars, but no refined sugars or desserts. That was a great experiment because it has knocked my taste for "bad sugar" out of me. I like a very occasional piece of chocolate or dessert, but certainly not everyday. Last year I gave up watching TV (I don't have cable, so, I guess I really gave up watching Frasier).
It's gotten to the point where I'm not sure if I have any excess left to give up.
I had played around with the idea of a vow of silence. The chances of me ever joining a monastery are laughably slim, so, I thought this might be a good time to experience the discretion they must exercise when they are allowed to speak. When your time to talk is limited, I would imagine that you choose only what's most important to you to say when your time to talk finally arrives.
Then, I read something somewhere... To paraphrase, I read that one should not choose to give up anything that interferes with others around you. This is a personal exercise. So, after some thought, I decided that a vow of silence would be a little difficult to work out without affecting everyone I know who interacts with me on a regular basis.
So, I guess I asked myself what it was I really wanted out of a vow of silence. The only times I could be silent without bothering anyone would be times I'm silent already. I'm not particularly an excessive talker. So, why was I so interested in shutting up?
I found that what I wanted was more concentrated time to be quiet so that I could find some clarity, to open channels to peaceful, constructive contemplation.
Therefor, I've decided to include moments in my days that will definitely ask me to be quiet, but I wanted to go a step further. If I'm really honest, what I do have in excess is a lack of a routine...
...so, I'm doing the unthinkable... I'm going to set for myself, a routine...
Oh boy.
Thanks for dinner and the King Cake, Anya... I'll be thinking about that cake when I get up at 8 tomorrow morning...
(from http://ediblecrafts.craftgossip.com)Monday, February 15, 2010
Starlight Musing
Happy Birthday, Galileo Galilei!
(from http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap100211.html)Galileo Galilei, born in 1564 in Pisa.
(from www.galileoscientific.com)
“The Sun, with all the planets revolving around it, and depending on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as though it had nothing else in the Universe to do.”
(from www.galileoscientific.com)“The Sun, with all the planets revolving around it, and depending on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as though it had nothing else in the Universe to do.”
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Love Day
I've never been a fan of Valentines' Day. It's always been an occasion of anxiety for me. So, though I have a sweetheart, he and I are of one mind on the matter. We find it lazy to emphasize one day on the calendar on which couples are expected to behave. One should find little ways to express his or her love year-round.
Aside from that, I once worked for a florist... I'm pretty through with roses.
So, on Valentines' Day, David and I try to give back, express our love for others. One year we went to a retirement home to volunteer at their Valentines' Day dance. It was awkward, but rewarding. The following year we supported the independently owned yoga studio here in Williamsburg and took their Partner Yoga Workshop.
This year, we decided to support a family-owned business.
We chose Art Café 26. The German-born owner just last week invited us to a private wine reception she put together to thank a handful of us who have actively supported her business over the last year. She certainly did not have to do this- we had free wine and hors d'oeuvres and a pleasant place to spend an afternoon with friends.
Her restaurant is a European style bistro and her chef is creative and gifted. When I met him to organize a menu for my Bridesmaids' Luncheon, he was very accomodating to the different dietary issues within my group (two vegetarians, two lactose-intolerant girls). His English is shaky (He is from Austria) and he's a bit shy, but he created a beautiful, custom-made luncheon just for me and my ladies.
He made an equally innovative meal for his guests for February 14th. The meal was presented European style, served slowly over a period of 3 and a half hours, and presented in 7 courses.
Course One: Amuse Bouche
This term means "tickle the mouth." It's typically a cocktail mixed with something slightly unusual that should offer a unique taste and a little texture. Our Amuse Bouche was a champagne and rum cocktail prepared with hand-prepared mango juice (ever so slightly pulpy). On top of the glass sat an appetizer of dark bread with a unique herb paste, tomato, and salami (I passed my salami to David). It was fun... I could have had 10 glasses and I never would have known I was drunk until I passed out on the floor. It was a light, entertaining flavor.
Course Two: Trilogy of Foie Gras
The chef created three foie gras offerings. Again, I passed my serving to David, so, I only have his word that this dish was brilliant. One version of the trilogy was foie gras crème brûlée (served in a small, Oriental spoon), the other a Terrine in "Baumkuchen" or, basically, a foie gras mousse over tropical chutney, and the last was roasted foie gras on brioche. Very rich.
Course Three: Cappuccino of Wild Mushroom Soup
The soup was warm and creamy... served in a wide drinking glass with a homemade cheese straw. Next to the glass was a shot glass of wild mushroom consommé , which was clear and amber. Both glasses filled with warm, hearty liquids were soothing on the throat and warming in the belly. It was just good.
Course Four: Small Valentine Surprise
Well, that's what the menu said. We were served a shot glass filled with something called a "basilitto" which was highly pureed basil with sugar and mint. You drink it through a straw... it sounds weird, but it's very refreshing. The chef's own creation. We were also served popcorn (I was so excited- I am inordinately fond of popcorn) that had been cooked in truffle oil... my new favorite unpractical obsession. I was so sad when I had eaten it all and I almost knocked David out of his chair when I realized he had left one kernel in his own bag... it was that tasty.
Course Five: Filet of Hereford Beef (or Arctic Char) with Semolina Strudel and Truffle sauce
Well, again, I had to pass off my meat to my dinner companion who, kindly, passed his side vegetables to me. I had potatoes, carrots, and the semolina strudel (which was quite special) all doused in truffle sauce... I'll be having dreams about that sauce for weeks. Truffles are so earthy but... indescribable flavor. It coats the tongue, rises into the nose, and tingles the chest as you swallow.
Course Six: Homemade Truffle Brie and Truffle
The taste was heaven... Three of my favorite things... brie... honey... truffles...
Course Seven: Small Petite Four Variation
Five little offerings of chocolate: A cold raspberry sorbet inside a cone of dark chocolate, a chocolate cup filled with vanilla and raspberry mousse topped with a fresh raspberry, a dark chocolate cake, a spongy jam roll, and, my favorite, a chocolate praline ball filled with Bailey's.
All this inventive, delectable cuisine in a dimly lit restaurant... A pianist played love themed show tunes (I actually went to high school with the guy playing the piano... it was nice and weird to catch up, to feel old). The owner gave all the ladies a red rose. Some couples danced in the space emptied in the middle of the room. It was lovely... not something for everyday, but a great way to thank a smart, cultured businesswoman for having the courage to open such a great restaurant.
I hope the rest of you, no matter how your day was spent, had a moment to celebrate the love you have in your life, your family and friends, lovers and fond acquaintances.
Aside from that, I once worked for a florist... I'm pretty through with roses.
So, on Valentines' Day, David and I try to give back, express our love for others. One year we went to a retirement home to volunteer at their Valentines' Day dance. It was awkward, but rewarding. The following year we supported the independently owned yoga studio here in Williamsburg and took their Partner Yoga Workshop.
This year, we decided to support a family-owned business.
We chose Art Café 26. The German-born owner just last week invited us to a private wine reception she put together to thank a handful of us who have actively supported her business over the last year. She certainly did not have to do this- we had free wine and hors d'oeuvres and a pleasant place to spend an afternoon with friends.
Her restaurant is a European style bistro and her chef is creative and gifted. When I met him to organize a menu for my Bridesmaids' Luncheon, he was very accomodating to the different dietary issues within my group (two vegetarians, two lactose-intolerant girls). His English is shaky (He is from Austria) and he's a bit shy, but he created a beautiful, custom-made luncheon just for me and my ladies.
He made an equally innovative meal for his guests for February 14th. The meal was presented European style, served slowly over a period of 3 and a half hours, and presented in 7 courses.
Course One: Amuse Bouche
This term means "tickle the mouth." It's typically a cocktail mixed with something slightly unusual that should offer a unique taste and a little texture. Our Amuse Bouche was a champagne and rum cocktail prepared with hand-prepared mango juice (ever so slightly pulpy). On top of the glass sat an appetizer of dark bread with a unique herb paste, tomato, and salami (I passed my salami to David). It was fun... I could have had 10 glasses and I never would have known I was drunk until I passed out on the floor. It was a light, entertaining flavor.
Course Two: Trilogy of Foie Gras
The chef created three foie gras offerings. Again, I passed my serving to David, so, I only have his word that this dish was brilliant. One version of the trilogy was foie gras crème brûlée (served in a small, Oriental spoon), the other a Terrine in "Baumkuchen" or, basically, a foie gras mousse over tropical chutney, and the last was roasted foie gras on brioche. Very rich.
Course Three: Cappuccino of Wild Mushroom Soup
The soup was warm and creamy... served in a wide drinking glass with a homemade cheese straw. Next to the glass was a shot glass of wild mushroom consommé , which was clear and amber. Both glasses filled with warm, hearty liquids were soothing on the throat and warming in the belly. It was just good.
Course Four: Small Valentine Surprise
Well, that's what the menu said. We were served a shot glass filled with something called a "basilitto" which was highly pureed basil with sugar and mint. You drink it through a straw... it sounds weird, but it's very refreshing. The chef's own creation. We were also served popcorn (I was so excited- I am inordinately fond of popcorn) that had been cooked in truffle oil... my new favorite unpractical obsession. I was so sad when I had eaten it all and I almost knocked David out of his chair when I realized he had left one kernel in his own bag... it was that tasty.
Course Five: Filet of Hereford Beef (or Arctic Char) with Semolina Strudel and Truffle sauce
Well, again, I had to pass off my meat to my dinner companion who, kindly, passed his side vegetables to me. I had potatoes, carrots, and the semolina strudel (which was quite special) all doused in truffle sauce... I'll be having dreams about that sauce for weeks. Truffles are so earthy but... indescribable flavor. It coats the tongue, rises into the nose, and tingles the chest as you swallow.
Course Six: Homemade Truffle Brie and Truffle
The taste was heaven... Three of my favorite things... brie... honey... truffles...
Course Seven: Small Petite Four Variation
Five little offerings of chocolate: A cold raspberry sorbet inside a cone of dark chocolate, a chocolate cup filled with vanilla and raspberry mousse topped with a fresh raspberry, a dark chocolate cake, a spongy jam roll, and, my favorite, a chocolate praline ball filled with Bailey's.
All this inventive, delectable cuisine in a dimly lit restaurant... A pianist played love themed show tunes (I actually went to high school with the guy playing the piano... it was nice and weird to catch up, to feel old). The owner gave all the ladies a red rose. Some couples danced in the space emptied in the middle of the room. It was lovely... not something for everyday, but a great way to thank a smart, cultured businesswoman for having the courage to open such a great restaurant.
I hope the rest of you, no matter how your day was spent, had a moment to celebrate the love you have in your life, your family and friends, lovers and fond acquaintances.
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