Saturday Speaks: Unexpected Together

The highlight of this week includes talks with members of my family... especially Marc, who I see so rarely. May those who could not be with us remember they are loved.

Friday: Welcome 2010

Every new year I sit down with my paper journal and write out my resolutions. I check in with the previous year, see if I actually stuck with the resolutions already in play, and then either leave certain items on the list and add new ones, or start all over again. It's typically 50/50. I tend to fulfill at least half of my goals.

I fell short on one item in particular this past year... an issue on which I will be placing considerable focus this year. Last year I called it "calming down." This year, I call it "finding quiet." I'm referring to a number of my neuroses: my constant paranoia that catastrophe will strike if I'm not worried to death about every little thing, the threat of natural disasters paralyzing me, the plane thing (I'm not so far out there that I refuse fly, but I've become a nervous passenger for certain), feeling useful and needed by people so I won't lose them (2009 has most certainly taught me that being useful does not secure you any affection or respect whatsoever), and-- well, all of this. See this silly list? All that noise? I'm a yoga teacher for goodness' sake and I can't drown the din in some mythical, implacable calm you'd think a yoga practitioner could. It has gone so far as to help me determine early what I will give up for Lent this year.

I usually know in the later part of the year what I will "give up" for Lent. I'm not going to discuss my opinions on that particular observance for now, but I will say that I've decided to give up talking. I realize that this may either turn up the speed and volume of my thoughts or teach me to slow down... and I'm willing to take the risk. Because, among the new resolutions, I want to work on perfecting the art of knowing when to prod and when to back off. Not talking will certainly force me to choose my words, choose my thoughts, and fine tune their delivery.

I don't plan on not saying a single word... that's not practical. I'll talk at work and at designated hours during the day... like a nun (Teehee... the mere thought sort of tickles me). But, the rest of the time, I will be silent. I will not write emails. I am considering whether or not to write texts. I will only be available during certain hours. I might give myself Fridays off (like a good Catholic would), but I don't know. Haven't worked out all the details.

After I make my checks and balances of resolutions for the new year, I thank the previous year. I go through the significant events and people and thank them for the contributions, or lack thereof, that they made to my life. Last year, I filled three and a half pages (for those of you who would not know, my handwriting is pretty small). This year, however, was not a good year. I barely filled a page... not because I'm specifically ungrateful, but because, with the sadness and upset, my priorities have changed. My focus has moved from an even exchange to raw, real emotion.

People ask each other what their plans are in the new year... I have a small, precious handful of plans I will hope to carry out. I want to take a trip with Anya in August (we've been getting ourselves excited... talking each other through our plane anxiety), work on a writing schedule with Beth for summer, Christmas shop (I will make like my very smart pen pal and do my shopping all year so I'm not rushed and frazzled before Christmas arrives... I've bought two gifts already), look into grad school programs, and focus on new writing projects...

...which brings me to the blog. Things will be a little different around here. My blog will be under construction over the next week or so until I figure out how I want to rearrange my writing priorities. My hope is still to write daily, but I may change the nature of that activity somewhat. I'll be changing the look and maybe the scheduled theme... we'll see.

I hope you all had a good new year celebration... and if you did not, I hope you can shake it off and welcome 2010. If there are resolutions you'd like to share, or opinions about how mad I must be you want to doll out, feel free to comment.

Happy New Year! Let's make it a good one!

Thursday: New Year's Eve

Well, I'm still feeling bad, but I'm doing better than I have been the last two days. I've pulled myself together and will shortly be on my way to my parents' house. Every year my family gets together to eat, play cards or board games, and watch the ball fall in Times Square on TV. Even after I turned 21, I preferred this tradition. After all, these are the good people who get me through every year without completely losing it. I just assume be with them rather than at some bar... well... losing it.

Not that I'm totally against losing it. Some of us could use one night of unbridled debauchery so that the hangover in the New Year refreshes our resolve to take better care of ourselves. I've had those New Year's Eves, too... I just like the ones with my family better. I like thinking that my year was not so bad that I need a night that I can easily erase. I like knowing that my family is a safe group of people with whom I can relax and be myself as I embark on a new beginning.

I love new beginnings. It's just an arbitrary date on a calendar, yes, but we give it meaning by calling it the first day of another 365 day cycle. A chance to start over. A pause in our "normal" lives that asks us to step back, slow down, take inventory, and make decisions to improve our lives. I'll write about some of my own decisions, or "resolutions," tomorrow, the first day of 2010.

Wherever you are all headed tonight, please, drive safely and be kind to yourself. Whatever has happened to you lately, you've got a chance to try again.

Try again.

Wednesday

Day 2 - still sick. See you tomorrow.

Tuesday Favorites: Looking forward to tomorrow...

Due to illness, I cannot write tonight.

Monday Review: A sick day means time to read

It was my first day to do nothing for weeks. To sit at home with my cat and relax. I could have watched my new collections of The Muppet Show or whatever is available on NetFlix Instant Viewing this week, but I've been drooling at the sight of a pile of books just waiting for me even since before Christmas. I decided to read a chapter from some of those books today from the moment I woke up until now...

1. THE WOMAN WARRIOR by Maxine Hong Kingston
I purchased this text for myself while Christmas shopping. I ordinarily refrain from buying any books for myself during the holidays, but I consider this book research. THE WOMAN WARRIOR is a memoir about the author's family and culture as a second generation Chinese immigrant. What moves me the most about her writing is her ability to twist the perspective on stories for which most of us have bucket responses. To a story about an adulteress mother who killed herself with her infant in the family drinking well, we would say, "How tragic," or "What cruelty led a woman to such a drastic act?" Kingston, however, in writing about her aunt with no name, a woman the family will punish for all time by actively forgetting her, pretending she was never born, the author fears she does her aunt no favors by writing about her. She feels her aunt is the watery sort of soul anxious for a replacement... she sees, perhaps, the seduction and absolution in just running away, in displaying sympathy. In my own writings about family, I hope to reach beyond the obvious like this brave Chinese woman.

2. A gift from someone I love
I will not name the next book I opened because it was actually a thoughtful gift from a dear person who has recently become a special part of my life... but it's dreadful. Written by a fanatic who has learned to make money off of people too lazy to think for themselves, the book is jam packed with poorly researched drivel, cheap rhetoric, and senseless antisemitism. I doubt my friend has read this book, but I know why it was chosen, and I appreciate it... and so will the library when I donate it this week.

3. OLIVE KITTERIDGE by Elizabeth Strout
Aside from the fact that this book won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction in 2008, I can tell this is going to be a good read. In the first chapter, the reader follows Olive's husband, Henry Kitteridge, to work. He's a pharmacist and develops a relationship with a young woman hired to help around the drug store. Though your mind might lean towards assuming a romantic connection, Henry pursues a much more fatherly route when interacting with her as she loses her first husband to a hunting accident and starts the hard road toward living on her own. It's simple, but engaging. I care about what may happen to these people... as well as the title character. So far, Olive has been an auxiliary character... argumentative, disagreeable, and civil when forced to socialize. I'm interested in what the author will do with her... what makes her significant enough to have the title role.

4. CLEAVING by Julie Powell
So, I just took another chapter out of Powell's dark memoir. I've found I kind of hate her lover. Not only because the situation is ugly, but because he reminds me of guys I once permitted to use me. I had the luck to get that out of my system before I'd qualify as an adulteress, but I don't think that puts me or anyone else above Powell and the troubles that drove her to this useless prick. I've also found my first complaint about the book - well, maybe it's just how I read. I'm having trouble imagining the scenes in which she's performing her butchering tasks, the cutting, dividing, etc. I don't know if this is an issue of how clearly she describes these activities or my lack of visual imagination. I'm still consumed in her story, but struggling with the guts and gore.

5. THE ESSENCE OF SHINTO by Motohisa Yamakage
This was a Christmas gift, but I also consider it research into my grandmother's homeland. I feel very fortunate to have it... it's actually pretty difficult to just walk into a bookstore and find a decent volume on the subject of Shinto. But, Yamakage's volume is not terribly... readble. It's translated from Japanese... and that aspect of the writing stands out loudly. I fell asleep twice trying to make it through very short chapters. And yet, the subject matter is like coming home. So far, as I understand it, the things I connect to the most within Shinto philosophy is the lack of a founder, the lack of an idol or image for the Divine, and a deep reverence to nature. More than once, Yamakage has referenced Lovelock's Gaia hypothesis; the concept that earth is not a mechanical, revolving rock, but a living, breathing organism. As long as I set aside time for coffee, I think I'll make it through this book and gain a little more faith in the process.

6. CONTACT by Carl Sagan
I've been reading this book bit by bit for... well, more years than I want to admit. For some reason, every time I start it, something comes up and I can't finish it. School, holidays, family and friends issues, etc. I used to feel badly, but, now I consider it the best part of my love affair with the work of Sagan. I'm just taking it slow, so to speak. I think I might be reading and re-reading this novel for many years to come... falling in love again and again with Sagan's creativity, believeability, and scientific poetry.

7. AMY AND ISABELLE by Elizabeth Strout
It was interesting reading two works by the same author. I had my natural concerns that the books would sound the same, but Strout's voice changes for this book about the relationship between mothers and their teenage daughters. The whole first chapter is pure tension. I picked this book up while at the charming used book store in Colonial Williamsburg. It was the book that almost made it for the last book my book club will read together as a group. I'm still satisified with the choice that was made (CEREMONY by Leslie Marmon Silko), but I can see why Strout's book was suggested.

8. EATING ANIMALS by Jonathan Safran Foer
I was afraid this would happen... while Foer is somewhat extremist in his thinking, his research and arguments are still sound. I don't know if I'll be able to eat sushi again for a while... I've already tried weaning away from foods that come from unknown sources, places where I cannot feel secure that the animals were raised and slaughtered in a humane fashion. But, the situation with fish is disturbing.


The only book I didn't make have a chance to open yet is my gift from my Secret Santa... Geraldine Brooks' PEOPLE OF THE BOOK. I've really been looking forward to this one. I see it in airports and bookstores, but I never see it when I'm in the mood to justify buying something for myself. I'll be jumping into that after I log off here and go to bed.

Great way to feel like dirt... surrounded by tea and books... and my new book embosser, a Christmas gift from Anya. I'm working my way through every book in my collection to emboss them with my initial.

(Images from http://ecx.images-amazon.com, www.pasajeslibros.com, http://images.amazon.com, http://ecx.images-amazon.com, http://upload.wikimedia.org, http://rgr-static1.tangentlabs.co.uk, and www.treehugger.com)

Sunday Reflections: Slow me down

Since this is my second night in a row feeling ill, I will be making this very short.

I received a forwarded email today about the top ten works of fiction for 2009:

TOP TEN BEST FICTION BOOKS OF 2009

Read any of these? Agree or disagree?

Also, here's an article for those of you who bought live trees this year:

RECYCLE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE

And, lastly, here's one of my favorite Muppet songs... it's an after-Christmas sort of...weird:

Gingerbread Man

I'm off to bed... early... AGAIN...