Wednesday Valuables: Declare your love!

(from www.kazu.org)

My book club is reading LISTENING IS AN ACT OF LOVE brought to you by The StoryCorps Project (edited by Dave Isay). This book relates to the few miracles that have occurred in the course of a week that I'd like to discuss. The basic idea behind StoryCorps is to create a space in which pairs or groups of three can gather and record a story significant to them or their family history. You have stories of fathers to daughters, mothers to sons, siblings, best friends, etc. One person asks a question or two of the other and then allows the story to unfold.

A section in the book mentions the sorts of people hired to work these huts into which people record their oral histories. It reads:

Facilitators are both the core and corps of StoryCorps - the project's frontline workers and ambassadors who accompany participants through the interview process. The qualifications are simple: They must be extraordinary listeners... Facilitators are hired for a one-year term and typically spend nine months in New York City and three months on the road with one of our mobile booths...the most important lesson they learn over the course of their service has to do with judging others. Never assume from how people look that you understand who they really are... At the end of the facilitators' one-year terms of service, they're sprinkled back out into our world, having recorded hundreds of stories and listened in on the wisdom of humanity.
-LISTENING IS AN ACT OF LOVE, page 56

So, not only are there chances for mothers and brothers and friends to tell each other how they feel about one another or stories that illuminate, perhaps, aspects of their characters one could not possibly understand without knowing, these workers witness that exchange and take the lessons with them into their own lives. There is so much love, not gooey-mushy-love, but that pure, inexplicable love both between people and for humanity.

This only works, however, because two or three people stepped into the booth and started talking.

One of the best stories in the openning section of the book is just an exchange between a grandson and grandmother. The boy, now 20, was dumped in her kitchen at the age of ten. The police took him out of his home because the neighbors suspected the child was being molested by his father (the boy had been moved out of his mother's custody at the age of 6). While it must be obvious that a love relationship would flow between the rescurer and the rescued, here they were actually saying it to each other. The grandson mentions during the interview that perhaps he hasn't really told her, in words, how grateful he is for her role in his life. Maybe she already knew in a way, but the expression of that love is such a gift...

Not wanting to specifically tell any of my "getting to me" stories, my topic on friendship today reaches out to thank a small handful of people for their gifts of affection in the past weeks...

I received an email from a good friend this week... that's the bulk of our exchanges; we mostly just e-mail. We met before he moved up north and now we have a sort of e-mail pal relationship. We talk mostly about what matters to us... books, simple pleasures, sorting out differences among people, etc... but I have to say that he is the absolute best I know at offering a little love at the end of every message. He leaves one or two sentences simply to remind the other person that he/she is significant to him. I hope to emulate this characterisitic in my other friendships... I'm not the most affectionate person I know, but the feelings are all there, and this friend's presence in my life confirms this idea of how much it means to let those people know how you feel. The last time he wrote me, though our correspondance is sporatic, he said: Always a great pleasure to see your name in my Inbox. I think of you daily. Just a simple declaration to remind me that, in between messages, we are still members of each other's everyday. I couldn't possibly know this, truly know this, without his telling me.

I also received an unexpected letter in the mail from a dear friend who lives less than five minutes from my house. That action in itself is a gift when she could have just as easily walked here and told me herself. Instead, she has recorded for me these feelings so I can hold on to it... maybe it wasn't her intention in the front of her mind, but it gives me something to look back on whenever I doubt myself, her, or humanity. Call me sappy, but when a desperately sad moment arrives, these treasures lift the spirit. She wanted to tell me that our friendship is important to her, even if that's a given in our brains. What touched me the most, however, was her determination to be herself and to love the people in her life as she authentically wishes... which indicates to me that our discussions about her growing up and moving on with her life have not been ignored... not only is she listening, she's going forward and actually doing something.

I have heard myself complaining a lot lately about people not listening. It's a big deal. No one wants to feel like they're putting themselves out there and no one cares about that courageous action... also, no one wants to repeat themselves constantly to people who can't be bothered with even listening to simple things. That's another great aspect of the StoryCorps project... yes, one person had the courage to sit in the booth and reveal feelings and events... but the other person is actively listening to you, acknowledging you, making it undeniable that they care about you because they care about what you have to say.

Now, when I complain a lot, as I just confessed, I tend to think that I might be falling behind somewhere. Maybe I'm not being clear enough or maybe someone drifted due to exhaustion and never meant to imply that they didn't care when they missed what I said... either way, I think listening is a simple way to express love and affection (in both directions)... so maybe I need to listen, too, to those who can't hear me for one reason or another.

There are other acknowledgements that make you feel special. Anya sends me messages when something is just funny, or sad, and she sends me pictures of her daughter, her surroundings, things that make her smile and laugh. I have always valued this in friendships when people tell you something that matters to them... and they thought of YOU to share the precious thing, event, what have you. I used to have other friends that called just to say they were "in a mood" or that something was funny or that the weather is awesome... just anything random thing that they wanted to make part of their experience with YOU. This, to me, is almost as powerful as open declaration, because by calling you they tell you that they trust you to listen...

Caro and Mike are great examples of active listeners. They both have this knack for making it abundantly clear that they're paying attention to you. They both ask good, relevant questions that follow the natural progression of a conversation. They are not quick to judge their friends... instead they are speedy at helping you find solutions to whatever bothers you. They find options, offer suggestions, and are highly Socratic in their conversation patterns making you think you got there yourself... But, guys, I know the truth... you're just excellent listeners. It's another attribute I hope to acquire as I have the privilege of being counted among your friends.

Mind you, I know a handful of good listeners... these two are just very consistent and remind me of places where I could stand to improve...

I certainly recommend the StoryCorps book, but I also suggest that we all remember to listen...

(from http://wfiu.org)