Anyway, from whatever twist of fate, I get this magazine every few months. It's called The Nest and it's clearly targeted to the recently married. But... well, just look at the cover:
Okay, so you've got a nice young couple who, judging by the sub-topics listed on the cover, are throwing a little get-together on a budget. The magazine claims from the front that you have a decorating style-- you just don't know it yet (and after reading it, I still don't). It also says it can teach you how to make the Ultimate Cheeseburger and How to Protect Yourselves from Bears. In addition to that, it wants to know if you and your spouse are sexually in sync...Geez... where to begin...
First of all with the cute couple thing... I'm going to use a phrase I haven't used since ninth grade: Gag me.
The magazine is full of little asides where they quote "other nesties" on a variety of topics. The examples, in just this one issue, range from:
"Nestie Firsts"
(For example, first trip abroad or first, and I quote, "Cheesy Sweater Party")
"Strange Turn-Ons"
(The best one says, "He does these hilarious imitations of cartoon characters, and to me, funny=sexy.")
Real Couple Stories
(How they met, what they do, like you care, blah blah blah)
"Hate It, Hon"
(Things couples hate about each other... it's a tie for the best comment between, "He has Japanese anime action figures all over our living room. I want to knock them all over," and "I hate his snandles (*sneakers with no back)... he's had them since high school and they're awful.")
"Fun on a Budget"
(The one that scares me the most says, "Wii+cocktails+karaoke= fun)
"Just Moved"
(Nesties offer advice on shopping for homes...)
"thenest.com/local"
(Nesties from certain cities tell you their favorite places to eat, shop, etc... again, like you care...)
And this is just a sampling. Throughout the magazine there are several opportunities for young couples to express their opinions on topics only those desiring a quarter-page of fame could possibly care about one way or the other.(For example, first trip abroad or first, and I quote, "Cheesy Sweater Party")
"Strange Turn-Ons"
(The best one says, "He does these hilarious imitations of cartoon characters, and to me, funny=sexy.")
Real Couple Stories
(How they met, what they do, like you care, blah blah blah)
"Hate It, Hon"
(Things couples hate about each other... it's a tie for the best comment between, "He has Japanese anime action figures all over our living room. I want to knock them all over," and "I hate his snandles (*sneakers with no back)... he's had them since high school and they're awful.")
"Fun on a Budget"
(The one that scares me the most says, "Wii+cocktails+karaoke= fun)
"Just Moved"
(Nesties offer advice on shopping for homes...)
"thenest.com/local"
(Nesties from certain cities tell you their favorite places to eat, shop, etc... again, like you care...)
The Ultimate Cheeseburger article is very disappointing. You'd think they'd at least be Rachel Ray about it and show you a new twist to the making of the Ultimate Cheeseburger... for instance, the use of a different sort of cheese or bacon or maybe experimenting with spreads like Wasabi mayo or maybe even new breads like that pretzel bread on which the Bennigans restaurant used to make turkey sandwiches. Nope. They just tell you to use a bun, onions, lettuce, tomato, Cheddar, and beef. Now, really... anyone who grew up in America can pretty much remember this kind of detail from rushed trips to McDonald's. Not impressive. Sure, they tell you how thin to cut the tomato, that white Cheddar has the best "meltability," and that sesame seed buns are fun. Right.
On "Are you sexually in sync..." go get Cosmo or Glamour. You'll get the same stupid quiz that draws the same broad conclusions without any consideration for bad experiences or physical ailments that might change what constitutes "normal" for a couple.
There's an article concerning fighting. It tells you that fighting can have an effect on your relationship... NO... really?
Worse than that, it's using odd scare tactics to convince you to stop... like how excessive fighting might, maybe, someday lead to heart attacks, break-outs, yeast infections, stomach troubles, balding, impotence, poor judgment (No, way... who could have thought it?), and colds. Furthermore, there's more of that charming Mars vs. Venus theory that broadly states the differences between how men and women fight. I am NOT one of those twits who uses silent treatment and expects you to read my mind or that needs to talk it out right now as this article seems to imply... if anything, I always let one know what I'm feeling and I'm the one who needs a timeout so I don't say something terribly hurtful. Advancing stereotypes... real clever, people. It's insulting, pig-headed, and an incomplete thought... the description of the article reads, "The verdict is in: Constantly arguing with your spouse hurts your health- but a spat here and there can actually help you in the end." Where's that? This article relays absolutely NO benefits to arguing. Obviously we know that expressing our anger rather than bottling it up is healthy... but this genius who wrote the article (with NO references to any medical studies proving the information, thank you) couldn't be bothered with actually discussing what he said he would discuss in his title.
There's plenty of pages devoted to saving money. Alright already! You can get the same wisdom with more variation from Real Simple or even Body+Soul. Besides, who isn't trying to save money right now?
The Nest features some recipes. Uh huh... again, you'll find more interesting stuff with Rachel Ray. With anyone. Call Grandma.
One of my favorite sections is the Camping for Couples article. There's a cutsie little map of a couple on a camping ground sprinkled with hints. The best one is labeled "potty training..." "Guys should avoid peeing too close to the campsite; the salt can attract wild animals and snakes." Speaking of wild animals, they have some helpful hints for fighting a bear: Travel in groups and make noise, Avoid cooking near the tent and build your camp fire at least 15 feet away, No food in the tent and the leftovers should be burned, or hung in distant tree 10 feet off the ground to attract/distract bears, Don't make eye contact, and Since you just cannot outrun a bear, back away slowly.
Yeah, I'm not going out camping with this guide book anytime soon. Not that some of the information makes no sense, but, considering the track record here, I'm not feeling confident.
What is most disappointing is the deterioration of language. This magazine features another article (most of these are one-two pages long and are certainly not in-depth) concerning what is best to buy organic and what is not. That's fine... this is legitimate information that most of us do not have memorized... but the things you should buy organic are marked "go 'O'," whereas the things you should avoid in organic options are labeled "'O' no". Also, the names in this magazine, all the charming quotes and what have you, are not actually names. They're screen names or online handles such as "Ready4TheParty" and "JNSTEWART". Most damnable of all is the comic at the back... it is oh-so-cleverly entitled "me and my bromance". It concerns a husband going out, not checking in, trying to see it from his wife's point of view, checking in the next time, sitting with her at the end saying "Cool." The comic concludes with, "See, you CAN have your bromance AND your romance." Bromance? Seriously? I can't remember the last time I even heard men referring to one another as "Bro".
I think, in terms of what I suppose is most relevant to newly weds, I'd prefer articles that actually reference some research rather than rehashing over stereotypes. Psychological testimonies of survival of the fabled tough first year of marriage... advice that deals with conflict with the in-laws... starting a family while fighting off family's expectations... perhaps how to keep disappointments in perspective... all this crap about burgers and camping and one's sex life... I just don't find it helpful.
In case it's not clear how I view this magazine, I leave you with this:
(from www.papermag.com)"Winner of the sexiest 'stache award"
Douglas Friedman is a photographer whose work has appeared in Harper's Bazaar, Elle Decor, and Wallpaper... not that you should care... because... c'mon... "sexiest 'stache?"Off to the Recycling Bin we go!
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