Namely me... and things like this weekend make me wonder if believing in something might actually help calm my nerves.
I'll give the scenario:
I'm neurotic, as I've admitted before, about my cat. It's pretty silly, I guess, if you're a normal person reading this and you have, or have heard of, normal cats. Normal cats are pretty solitary creatures (so I've been told). Even when you're home, they choose to sit alone or sit with you without looking at you. My cat, on the other hand, follows me around like a puppy. Yes, she has her moments of wanting to be alone, but this mood emerges once a week maybe. Overall, she wants to be where I am. She prefers sitting on my lap as I'm reading (or blogging) or watching a movie. If she can't do that because of where I am, because I'm standing, or if I'm moving around, she'll find some place close to me and perch.
So, since I have this abnormal feline, I have attached similar feelings to her as I have to the dogs that were raised alongside my childhood. They were more like people who are happy to see you when you came home... you felt like it made their day that you were alive and loving them. She makes me feel just as loved as a dog would. This sentiment sends me on a whirlwind of worry whenever I have to leave on a trip. Now, again, normal people with normal cats know that the cats are highly self-sufficient and largely take care of themselves. All normal cats need, say during a four day trip, is someone to come in once per day or every other day to clean out the litter box and put out fresh food and water. It's not like dog-sitting where dogs need to go out, at a minimum, every 8 hours. Dogs need attention, exercise, food and water twice per day, etc.
Minerva is a happier cat, from my observation, when she has someone to play with her in the morning and at night, eats light meals three times per day, and has someone with whom to sit and relax. What I've done to compensate for my dog-ish cat is ask my willing and less-allergic brother to stay overnight with her the nights that I'm gone and then ask friends who live nearby to check on her during the day.
Sounds reasonable to normal people (even excessive), right?
But, I still have the most awful anxiety leaving her. I have those bizarre mother-type nightmares of all the terrible things that can happen to my defenseless baby while I'm gone.
My point is that I've often wondered if I could comfortably leave the house if I believed in something... it could work a number of ways. I'm not able to always commit to the idea that Gd exists. Let's say I did. Let's say I decided that I agree with the notion that Gd exists AND is the kind of deity who would step into my world despite His overwhelming schedule with crime, genocide, etc, just to watch over my cat if I ask really nice... from my tone, I guess you can tell this isn't going to work. But, then I could assume Gd doesn't exist and that everything is up to chance and I've logically done the best I can to provide for my cat's well-being and safety. But then... that's not very satisfying or comforting either.
This fearful issue does actually extend beyond my cat, believe it or not. I've actually come to a point in my life where I feel like I do something I've decided to call "Lucky Charm Living." It's sort of like superstitious OCD. There are certain things I have to say to the house and to my cat before I leave and after I shut the door that, for some reason, makes me feel like it protects my family. It's almost as though I think that if I don't say these magic spells, then it means I don't worry, and then something evil will happen.
It's twisty, I know.
But, I guess that's what I mean. Maybe if I believed in something, I could bypass the spiritual OCD and just live with some hope that things will... see? I can't even write it out. I don't want the powers-that-be to see me not worrying. My pastor and I get together once per month and we have talked about this funny Jesus-complex of mine often... he seems to think that I choose to reject faith because I only trust myself to get things done, that I can "save the world." This, of course, is absurd since, he and I agree, I have no special powers other than being (typically) responsible. He has never suggested that faith will fix this issue or protect my loved ones (this is part of why I talk to him... his faith is not the typical cotton candy spun rhetoric spitting out fluffy things like, "It's just Gd's will..." or "Gd works in mysterious ways.") Instead, I think he means to insinuate that I relinquish my grip on a desire for control since I don't actually have any control...
Yeah.
I'm sure I can get in line. I know even normal people worry about their children or perhaps elderly family members out-of-measure. I guess today I'm searching for a way to take a pill and relax without feeling like I'm betraying my loved ones and setting them up for danger. I don't know how to shake this... very upsetting for a person who prides herself on her use of logic. I mean, I know that this is no way to live long term... I can feel the worry lines burrowing in my forehead if I don't cut it out... but I don't know in my heart, where I do and don't "believe things," that whether or not Gd exists and intervenes, all I can do is my best.
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