Do you know your neighbors? Okay, maybe you've said, "Hello," to the people next to you, under your apartment, etc. But, if you made too much spaghetti, would you invite them over to eat knowing they'd bring wine or cookies or bread or something?
I was thinking today about the part that actually makes me tear up in one of my favorite cartoons. Admittedly, a lot of odd, stupid things make me cry, but, in one animation particularly, a certain scene resonates with me on this personal level. People used to know their neighbors, ask about their kids, bring over extra vegetables from the garden, or invite you over if they know you're alone. In the animation, a little girl makes a big pot of gumbo and, after passing Daddy's taste test, they call out to their neighbors to come over and have some dinner on the back porch. The neighbors bring hush puppies and other things to contribute to the meal, and everyone shares this food together.
I vaguely remember this being a part of my childhood. I knew the neighbor kids, but, I wasn't really interested in playing outside, bookworm that I was. Still, we came to each others' birthday parties, played army dodge ball in the street, rode our bikes together, etc. The neighbor parents knew everyone's name, everyone's interests... I think some of them came to my plays now and again. We weren't close, but, there was a certain comfort, I would think, in sending your kid to the same bus stop early in the morning with Karen's kids or Connie's kids... People you knew.
But, nowadays, I don't know anyone. Not even the people underneath our apartment. They're an elderly couple that moved in about a month ago. We wave once in a while to each other, but, it's just not understood that someone should instigate introductions. I haven't known the past three occupants in that first level apartment. I have no idea who else is around me either. I know there are several kids in the neighborhood... I see them more and more running around outside as the weather warms... they all obviously live on my side of this complex. Still, if one of them was ever lost or injured, I'd have no idea who to call.
When I was in elementary school... probably 6 or 7 years old... I was supposed to get off at a bus stop that was not my regular stop. My grandmother was meant to pick me up, but, when I got off the bus, and the other kids walked off in separate directions to their homes, and I was alone.
Well, I was young, so, I sat down on the curb and cried.
A lady who lived in the house at the corner, where the bus dropped me off, came out and asked me what was wrong. She brought me into her kitchen, gave me a glass of lemonade, and looked up my parents in the phone book (no unlisted mobile phone numbers to confound her). At the time, I didn't realize I was two measly blocks away from home (I know, I know... why my parents didn't just let me off at the usual stop and have Grandmama pick me up from the house so she wouldn't have to get lost... I'll never know...). The lady held my hand, walked me towards my house, and just as we rounded Newman Drive, my grandmother came around the corner.
My mother didn't know this lady, but she knew our neighborhood. We all felt comfortable and safe with the sorts of people who lived there. Nowadays, we worry about so many things... from sex offenders to terrorists, we have lost trust in one another. I have never felt compelled to get to know my neighbors... I hear how they talk to their kids... hear the stuff their kids are too young to be discussing with one another... and I get the vibe that these people are generally unfriendly. I suppose that could just be my neighborhood, but I've seen relations in my parents' part of town deteriorate as well.
Some of the original residents of my parents' street moved away a while ago, especially as their kids grew up and went off to school or got married. I still remember learning that a registered sex offender had moved into PJ's old house. That person has since moved on, however, the damage is done, and now, not even the original neighbors seem interested in maintaining our old friendly, acquaintance. We're generally uninvited.
I don't think the one thorn in our rose bush is what killed our relationships... I could blame all sorts of things. My favorite, lame argument is cell phones and the internet. We're so busy staying "close" to our friends and family online that we seem to forget to interact with real people. I'm not entirely innocent. I text a bit... not as much as a teenager, but, I use that to ask about gatherings, send silly pictures, keep in touch, etc. I've never really enjoyed talking on the phone. If a major event is going on, I ask someone else to call vendors and get details straightened out.
At least I can deal with human beings when there's no getting around them. I wonder, with technology booming all around us, what today's generation of kids and teens know about interacting socially. I went to a store just a month or two ago... and the adolescent boy who was ringing up my purchases did not say a single word to me. Even when I said, "Hello," upon approaching the register, he said nothing. My very existence was the least significant aspect of our exchange. I know he's a kid at work, but at least a brief talk with a slight attitude problem could have been expected from my generation. I couldn't help but wonder what his MySpace page or whatever would feature... the more important representation of his character, perhaps. I'm speculating, and feeling bitter, but who wants to bet I'm guessing accurately?
But, maybe, rather than blame the questionable neighbors or Facebook, perhaps I should also include the general breakdown of social values. Even within my generation, I'm not sure how much time was spent in teaching us how to behave with other people. My mom taught me how to not embarrass her specifically, and my Daddy always seemed to think I laughed too loud, but, I don't recall the lesson about being respectful of elders, helping people who drop things, which fork to use, etc.
Didn't they teach these things in the 1950s? Wasn't there a class you had to take (at least for women) concerning the proper way to behave with other human beings? Didn't they encourage young women to make a pie for the new couple in the neighborhood? Teach young men how to dance, how to ask for a date, how to balance a check book? Didn't grandparents instill a sense of respect for older people? No rolling your eyes as they tell a story from their past? Was there ever the expectation that everyone deserves a kind word or a smile?
I know the world is a little scary. People have found numerous ways to prey off those who are still trusting and kind-hearted. We hear frightening stories too close for comfort... friends losing their lives to break-ins gone wrong, mothers mugged in broad daylight in front of their children, women being raped in the dark of the night in their own homes... There are plenty of convincing reasons we should just keep to ourselves...
...but, if I introduce myself to the elderly couple underneath my apartment, how much would that hurt me? If we attempted to get to know the relatively benign people around us, wouldn't that be power in numbers? Someone who would know you're the one screaming and call the police for you?
Things aren't ideal for the old neighborhoods of pie-making communities, but, I'd like to think that society is not so beyond repair that we can't reinvent the modern neighborhood and remember to be there for one another. Even among our friends, when was the last time you baked cookies for your friends' kids or brought over a movie and popcorn on a lonely night for one of your buddies? Email just isn't that warm and fuzzy, people. We have more intriguing gifts to offer... and receive.
Go to your brother's house. Or go see your next-to-closest friend. Say, "Hi- Need anything?"
You can do it.
4 comments:
You are quite right in criticizing us for losing this sense of community. As to the particular sense of lack of community that you get where you live now, I might suggest that a rental subdivision such as yours with a fair number of transient tenants lends itself less to community than a more permanent neighborhood, generally of homeowners, like the one you grew up in. I mean that as some consolation--you are experiencing more dramatically right now a negative which may not be quite so pronounced in society at large as it is where you live now. (That said, you're right: go ahead and say hello to the nice old lady beneath you!).
Take my neighborhood. A small, basically one-street community that is a good little 1950s-style setting, with families and mostly homeowners, with a small handful of rentals. I showed up at a neighborhood association meeting my second week living there and introduced myself, and had intended to host an open house after a few weeks passed. At that meeting, however, they listened politely while I said who I was and said that I had moved in to #20. Then I sat down and this guy stood up for the next order of business, which took about an hour and on which the whole room expressed its rabid agreement. The topic: "We've got to get these damn rentals off the street; they're driving down our property values and turning this place into Section 8. And NUMBER 20 IS THE WORST!" They were concerned with my landlord and with the prior tenants, not with me, but still! Needless to say, I did NOT host that open house....
You're also right in criticizing electronic communication. I am repelled by the fact that people now seem to think not only that it is ACCEPTABLE to answer a cell phone or send an email when they are engaged in live interactions with someone--even worse, many people now seem to think it is COMPULSORY to answer, as if you would be wrong to ignore the call and return it later! Despicable....
Anyway, as usual, Gen, right on.
TvT
It's nice to be taken seriously, TvT. I appreciate your response to this article... and, you're right, living in a rental area discourages lasting connections. I still see the same problems in other permanent neighborhoods, so, guess I clump all of us together and shake my finger.
I'm sorry to hear your story... I think that's the sort of unfriendly spirit I get from these people around here, too. Out for themselves, not looking to offer a hand, a word, nothing. Hopefully, better neighbors and pleasant connections are in our future.
I would have come to your party. ;)
The 1950s classes need to come back... teach people when it's acceptable to pick up a cell phone.
G- I'm with Tristan, particularly on the cell phone thing. When I'm working, or when it's 9pm on a weekend evening and I'm expecting a call from an interviewee, one that I had a hard time setting up, that's one thing. But if I have all my stories done for the week and my phone rings in the middle of the evening, or any time when I'm in a conversation, it can wait. I am appalled that others think the phone is the thing. Eff the phone. The face-to-face conversation or interaction at hand takes priority.
At the same time, intuition tells me that Japan is in your blood just as your Japanese grandmother is in your heart. That is, reading your post just told me that "GKO would have thrived in feudal Japan." I have heard from people who've visited the island recently and not-so-recently that Japan is not the cradle of tradition and etiquette that it once was, but it's still Japan, and no one can erase the kimonos, the tea ceremonies, or the honor and tradition of the samurai culture that made Japan its powerfully unique self. My suggestion: read "Shogun" and other Japan literature (even manga and anime) and jumpstart your own traditions of etiquette, of neighbors, of bringing honor to your family by showing respect to your neighbors. Our nation has its maleable conventions, and maybe they're fine and dandy, but you could be an ambassador to traditions with more substance. You'll not be short on takers.
Thank you, Mister J. Nice to hear from you... and I've been on the move for more Asian literature for a few months now... Aahhh... Great minds, my friend. :)
You're thoughts are always good for the soul. And I certainly know you speak the truth of your cell phone beliefs. I'll take this space to thank you for the times you and I were having a glorious conversation that you consistently chose not to interrupt with the incoming call or text. You and TvT have a lot to teach our generation. ;)
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