Caught halfway between Heaven and Hell

Carl has been haunting me lately...

...and no wonder. I've been exposed to various topics on faith lately from myopic-minded fundamentalists, to the deeply mystic, to religiously and/or spiritually inspired people struggling to find their truths. I've dabbled in virtually all categories of spiritual searching. I was once like that girl in the French film Dieu est grand, je suis petite toute petite. Michèle attends the services of different religious groups... commits completely to a religion until it becomes apparent that she doesn't connect to the ideology and moves on to the next option. As young person, I attended a Lutheran church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, a Jewish synagogue, etc. I would read up on paganism, Wicca, Native American rituals, Buddhism, etc.

While my actual habits have not changed much in my adulthood (I still enjoy an occasional service at the nearby Lutheran church, celebrating Jewish holidays, and visiting the Buddhist temple in Carrollton when I have time), the way in which I commit to the ideas of each religion has changed drastically. I enjoy learning about religion... I am fascinated by all the very different, and yet all-too-similar, thoughts and gds and rituals people have created over the expanse of so very many human lifetimes.

But, at the end of the day, if you asked me what it is that I actually believe, I doubt that I could answer you. I am so torn between what I want to believe and what I do believe.

If I were to say what I want to believe... it would be colorful, and, naturally, limiting. I want to believe that there is a higher power. I want to believe that some benevolent force that knows much better than I do set this whole human experiment in motion. I do not care very much that this higher power actually intervenes with our lives, but I would like to think that this higher power would offer emotional inspiration (courage, strength, compassion, etc... whatever qualities would lead a person in the direction of something better, something good). I do not hope for a gd that does everything for us or who acts as a wish-granting creature. What would the point of our brains and hunger for truth and information be with a gd like that makes divine contributions? I want to believe in the human spirit, in the soul, and that this part of a human being lives on beyond death, offering us the opportunity to see our loved ones again as we all evolve to the next stage of existence together.

So, I want to believe that eternity and spirituality works a little like Richard Matheson's WHAT DREAMS MAY COME (the book, as usual, is better than the movie... though I like the movie, too).

All the while, I appreciate what Shintoism and Hinduism include in their rituals... a reverence to what they see with their own eyes. Nature, the cosmos, etc. There's more to both religions than these ideas, but the fact that something tangible is included is appealing to me. They don't shun the world as one might be encouraged to do within a fundamentalist Christian mindset. They find the plants and animals and the stars as fascinating as their own spiritual dreams... they know it's remarkable that everything is here at all.
So, that's what I want. However, as I reflect on one of the interviews Dr. Carl Sagan gave in the last years of his life, I have to regard my wants with skepticism before I accept the ideas attached to them as truth. To hear the relevant section of the interview I'm citing, Click Here.

What echoes in my head whenever I walk away from this interview is the admission Dr. Sagan makes about his own somewhat spiritual desires. Both of his parents passed away about 12 years prior to this talk with Charlie Rose. He says he'd give anything to talk to them again... for another five minutes. There are even times, he said, when he can hear, "Carl..." being called out in the voice of his mother or father. That doesn't intimate to him, however, that his parents' ghosts are wandering around in his house. He doesn't attach it to anything other than an auditory hallucination naturally stirred up by emotions and memories. He'd heard their voices enough in his lifetime to know how to conjure the sound perfectly, convincingly, maybe even in a disturbing way that made it seem real. So, if a medium says he can put Dr. Sagan in touch with his dead parents, Dr. Sagan would be forced to bring up extra reserves, view the situation with even more skepticism because he wants to talk to his parents again so, so very much.

I agree with him on this point. We, as people, are easily clouded by what we want. Before I heard Dr. Sagan's more eloquent assessment on this idea, I think I have been practicing rational hesitation before desire for some time. As a somewhat paraphrased example, long ago, I was romantically involved with a young man. He was the first person in my young life to cut off our relationship to pursue someone else. I was, naturally, very emotionally distressed by the situation. I was downtrodden and sad for three weeks. Then, he called me. He asked if we could talk. He told me that he had not pursued the other girl at all because he missed me. He was asking me why he would do this... feel certain he wanted something else, but feel drawn to return to me.

Now, my motivation for what I told him was based on my morality, not my love affair with science. However, I used the same method of skepticism to give him an answer or two that I considered to be closest to the truth. I offered that he was either scared to try something new with a new person and was therefor retreating to me, someone worn-in and familiar... or, that he had to face the option of being without me to bring his real feelings into focus. He was vulnerable, so, I felt it unfair to just give him the second option. I genuinely wanted him to make a decision based on what he found to be true.

So, how I can apply this type of critical searching to my spirituality? If someone wants to bring up the argument that I can't approach it logically because it's an issue of faith, then the article ends here. However, I cannot process something as "true" without something that tells my brain that this makes sense. If you want to argue that something like gd is too big for me to comprehend in my puny human brain, then the article ends here. However, if we accept that my need to make sense of things is my only pathway to accepting my truths, then let's keep going.

Click Here to hear Dr. Sagan's take on a big question like religion or the concept of gds. This clip comes from Dr. Sagan's mini-series Cosmos, which aired in 1980. He confronts the heated feelings that can accompany the discussion of The Big Bang and attempts to diffuse it (admittedly, with his atheist bias) with questions and discussions of logic. If we accept that the Big Bang is the scientific beginning of the universe, some say that it came from nothing and that Gd set the whole thing in motion. If we accept that Gd started all of this, then, Dr. Sagan asks that we have the courage to ask, "Where did Gd come from?" If we answer that Gd has always been there, no beginning or end, Dr. Sagan says we can just as easily deduce that the universe has always been there (if we're going to use an argument that has no explanation).

We can argue about his ideas on this until the end of time, but the logic resonates with me. If we can somewhat flippantly say that Gd always existed, we can just as easily say Gd never existed. With the universe, it is clearly around us, so, while we won't settle for the argument that the universe has always existed, we are at least in a position to scrutinize, to study, and to peer into the cosmos. (See also an interesting talk featuring Dr. Sagan and Dr. Stephen Hawking on this topic: Click Here.)

What perhaps is missing from all of this, however, is that people do believe Gd exists. Do we chalk this up to a mass delusion or can we investigate the somewhat subtler evidences of how we, rational beings, started looking for Gd in the first place. Dr. Sagan will always offer that there are a number of possibilities out there of things happening that we cannot explain, but his center of research is clearly centered on what he can find with his eyes, his intellect, his human effort.

Here's something I cannot readily explain: I tend to know how things will happen before they happen. Admittedly, this is particularly in the realm of human behavior. Dr. Sagan will call that logical prediction... that, anyone who observes closely enough what happens around them can eventually predict, or guess, with a high probability for accuracy what people will do, say, or how things occur in nature. I also tend to know weird things like the next song on the radio before it starts or the number of people who will come to a class or that someone I know is in trouble. Dr. Sagan would probably label all of that coincidence. Sometimes, I do, too. Other times, however, I think about how often this happens. Almost everyday there's a new example of something I seem to know ahead of time.

This usually completely unnerves me. I can't explain how I could know some of the things I know. I even have dreams of very specific events that do occur in their time. Now, I don't think that Gd is whispering in my ear... I do tend to wonder, however, considering also the duration of time I've spent in mindful observation, if I am not somehow "in tune" with the energies of people and things around me.

Being "in tune" is not a condition you're likely to find in too many science books... Maybe psych books, but, probably not in a flattering way. So, do we throw out the possibility that some people may have slightly above average prescience or should I just monitor myself? I could pay attention to how I feel emotionally when these predictions pop into my head... Do these predictions come to me when I'm involved in any particular activity? How do these predictions line up with my own hopes and desires for a particular outcome? After that, if I want to know the truth behind this, perhaps I can look up any studies of scientists who have tested others who claim to have an above average prescience.

Even without Dr. Sagan's help, I am more likely to trust my predictions when they come during yoga (when I'm calm, in Svanasana, and not thinking about anything specific) or when I'm peacefully sitting on the couch with my cat at home (a lack of my own emotional tumult makes way for a clear signal... like radio signals coming in clearer on a sunny day). I still think through every little twinge of a signal- I don't discount it immediately anymore than I trust it completely.

I guess I'm trying to do something similar with what I choose to believe spiritually. I don't really know how that's going to work out... I feel like I have the angel and devil sitting on either shoulder guiding me towards a sort of eastern mysticism on one side and a pragmatic search for evidence on the other. Fingers crossed, knock on wood, I hopefully have a lifetime to work through these topics and settle in on something that feels like home.

In the meantime, I take comfort in looking up. At night, after I've survived the day, I turn my gaze to the heavens and thank my lucky stars. Do the stars hear my thanks? No. But, I'm grateful, and I just need to thank someone, something. If Gd exists, I assume Gd knows I'm grateful for this earth experiment and for all I can learn from the beauty and violence of the cosmos.

I believe in the stars. I believe, if Gd gave us brains, we ought to use them. I believe feelings are beautiful and wondrously human. I believe we have the power to use our feelings for the betterment of all. I believe there's a lot we just won't ever know. I believe there's a lot we can still find out.

I never knew Carl, so it's hard to explain the feelings I get when I hear his interviews, read astronomy news, and start to cry, as if my own flesh and blood had recently passed away. I feel as though I miss him. Carl would tell me it's the character he plays on TV with whom I wish I could connect. It's his work and words that drive my emotions and I naturally associate the ideas with him, the person. I'd like to think that he's wrong about a few things. So few people inspire me spiritually... he's one of them, even if that's not what he might have expected.

I think the universe is not the same without him on Earth.

(from http://sse.jpl.nasa.gov)