One of those calendars from The City hangs by my desk. The pictures are uninteresting, only the Christian and government holidays are acknowledged, and the squares aren't really big enough to write the full day's worth of events. Still, what it does have going for it are these warnings. Williamsburg sounds this loud, wailing siren every so often to test if it will work to alert its citizens of an emergency. We have fair warning on this calendar when this will happen so when you hear it on a Wednesday morning you don't jump out of your skin searching for the hurricane, or crashing plane, or aliens!
After a long thrashing night with my feelings (and Minerva waking me up hours before my alarm went off), I was still in bed with my brains achy and worn out when I heard the siren sound. I briefly opened my eyes, considered for a second looking out the window for any troubles, but then I could see in my mind the circle within a few circles symbol on the calendar indicating the test.
Something about this brief acknowledgment with The City's test reminded me of something my Russian father said to me... look out, because this is a bit of a stretch...
He said that in most relationships, there will be times when the exchange rate is not 50/50 percent on both sides. Sometimes it's 60/40... other times 70/30... he's even seen days of 90/10. He said things can't always go on this way, but it happens, and part of loving people is approaching these moments with that understanding.
Perhaps these moments represent the tests of our relationships, our friendships. We can easily consider what causes these moments: A move to another state, a new career, a new family, weddings, funerals, school, hard emotional times, etc. These things and certainly more place obstacles in all our paths. We have to spend our time differently. We spend our energy differently. Most of us need to conserve our energies to focus on these tasks and to avoid other stresses such as losing the new job, a deal on a living space falling through, feeling like a bad parent, the wedding being called off, our feelings bottling up after the death of a loved one, failing our classes, etc. There are many obvious reasons to concentrate on the task at hand.
But where does that leave your friends, your family, your boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
I guess that's where we learn how much we love each other or how much we need to let go. As my Russian father said, it's can't always be 70/30 or 90/10. Things need to level back out to at least 60/40. No one can always be the giver... and I suspect it's difficult for self-aware, thinking people to always be the taker. There surely are also moments when neither party can do either. That's when you evaluate what matters to you about having this person in your world. What sort of love and patience do you have to offer or need in return?
After all, once we're settled into the new house, it will be easier to visit or invite people to come and stay... the new career will become more routine, eventually demanding a little less or a different type of your energy... the kids will grow up and take better care of themselves... things after the wedding will calm down... time will heal the sorrows of losing your relative, pet, friend... school lets out in summer and then there's always graduation around the corner. Things don't tend to stay this way forever.
So, can you stand it? Can you step back and allow your loved ones to go through whatever they need to as life moves on? Can you accept being placed on the back burner of their lives for a while knowing that this doesn't change the love... just the locale or way it's maintained?
I'll admit it... I struggle with this. My abandonment complex kicks in full throttle and wonders if I'm just not important anymore... if I'm only wanted when I'm needed... if I will easily be forgotten. I'm not always trusting of the idea that years can pass between two true friends or real lovers and not change the significance or joy of that relationship. I never factored in the idea that a spouse might need time separate from his or her partner to work through emotional blockages or new career paths.
But, have I not done the same things? It's hard to remember now, but in college, surely I let things change in my friendships... I don't remember it this way though. I was so busy... if I wasn't studying or trying to squeeze in dinner between reading assignments or killing myself at work, then I was with my family, my friends. I felt like life was full, but perhaps these people noticed a change from the amount of time I offered before college to the busy first few semesters. Since I was so pre-occupied, I noticed no change in my feelings and certainly had trouble keeping store of how my time was spent... I was getting by, doing the best I could.
So, here I am at a time when many people I know and love are transitioning. My brothers are working and probably soon to fly the coop. Tristan is moving today... and he and I were never great with distance before (when he went to UVA). Some friends are back in school. My family is back in school (most of them are teachers). Some of my friends are starting new families with babies or taking in new household members out of bad situations. I, too, work more frequently and I'm taking a very time-consuming, writing-intensive course at the college. I have many projects I need to start and decisions to make about next year. We're all so very busy...
...but, this is a test... this is only a test...
Admittedly, times like these can sometimes lead to a crossroad where one party needs to venture down a path that the other could never dream of following. I doubt that changes much of the acutal feelings between those people who just cannot relate to one another's choices any longer. More often than not, however, I think we can see that times of more intense struggle just need space to pass. We're not always going to be too busy for one another. If anything, more precious and treasured will be the times we do get together, catch up, swap memories and updates.
May we love truly enough to bend with the transitions and changes maintaining a deeper truth... that we cannot help being permanent exhibits in each other's lives.
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