It's the eve of Yom Kippur... and I'm imagining that Forgiveness is a Korean mother.
Well, she's similar to a specific Korean mother. Within the Storycorps collection LISTENING IS AN ACT OF LOVE, one interview involves a daughter asking her mother how she created such an unusually affectionate Korean family. The mother seemed to indicate that it was a decision. A determined and strongly reinforced choice to not succumb to the harsh, sterile homes of her birthplace. Her main rules are to be affectionate everyday (took some time and some staring matches to teach the husband to properly respond to the phrase, "I love you.") and to let an argument completely drop once someone has said, "I'm sorry." That's it. It's over and done with.
I believe it must take a great amount of courage to do this.
I used to tell people that I hated the phrase, "Forgive and forget," or "Let go and let gd." I used to say that I was okay at the forgiving, less good about the forgetting. I used to feel guilty leaving my problems in anyone's hands, much less gd's... after all, I didn't want to put my already shaky relationship with the divine on the line... I was sure to be disappointed if I didn't try to deal with matters on my own. Why would I put gd in a position to let me down?
But, this little Korean lady specifically instructs that it's over when an apology is delivered. I assume this should insinuate that the argument is no longer stored but tossed out with the dirty dish water.
I find this a dazzling concept. Bright and burning and so distant from me. I'm still trying to control my life. Can you imagine? Someone who thinks as much as I do, you'd probably consider that I had figured out that I have no control over anything at all... and here's another phrase I despise... The only thing you can control is yourself.
My love/hate relationship with these phrases derive from past fears, obviously. I guess as a kid I was determined to avoid repeating mistakes. Who has time for that? Once I understood what it was that I had done to offend or bother or disrupt, I made a concerted effort not to do it again.
I have trouble letting go of an issue when I know it's just going to come back up again. I guess I see it more like touching the burner on the stove... that once you get burned, you're an idiot if you touch the burner again. Now, that's a bit trite, I know... probably oversimplified, too. Maybe it's more like trying to convince yourself that the pendulum will not swing back in your direction when you let it drop... which is ridiculous. The nature of the machine, as well as the nature of people I think, is to swing back and forth. Of course, eventually, the pendulum will in fact stop swinging if given enough time. Maybe human nature works this way, too?
Maybe I should stop trying to find an appropriate analogy for it.
I assume my point has been made anyway. Forgiveness for me is almost dependent on the likelihood that the behavior which has hurt me will stop. That's antithetical to the whole forgiveness spiel. Forgiveness cannot be based on any contingency in order to be true forgiveness. And everyone seems to recommend this unconditional release. I'm an avid re-run watcher of Quantum Leap... and it occurs in almost every single episode. Sam will go above and beyond saving lives and helping people move ahead in life... he reunites families, brings true lovers together, inspires friendships to mend, etc. Lucky Sam... he doesn't have to see how it turns out when those families, lovers, and friends, go off the deep end again.
But, Sam's not alone. Plenty of psychologists, religious leaders, family members, and physicians (who have actually linked certain skin problems with forgiveness issues), all advocate learning to forgive and forget.
I guess I wish I could find a justified way out of the cycle... which I can't. It's one of those intangible qualities like faith... you've got it or you don't, you choose it or you leave it. As we have established before, I'm not among the most faithful. I believe in very little.
Maybe that's part of my problem. Perhaps something like faith over doubt would put all parties involved in a better place to really move ahead. I want to believe this, really, but I've walked into too many whole-hearted attempts of forgiveness and reconciliation and come up empty-handed.
I'm not completely ridiculous. Accidents happen and most slip ups are unintentional. I know this and these occasions bother me significantly less. I guess it's thoughtless actions, reactions, or lack of action that disturbs me most. Carelessness. I am not cryptic... I pretty much tell people how I'm feeling whether by my words or the distinctly readable look on my face. I have this idea that information is the best thing to offer someone you love that hurts you. You constructively tell them how you're feeling, why you feel it, and if they understand and acknowledge you, you naturally believe that the behavior will change or seek better understanding of that behavior with the other person. This does not always happen and it's the thing I guess I fear the most... that despite my best efforts, people, in general, really don't care enough to take a confession and use it for the better of a relationship.
Which, all in all, is irrelevant to the topic.
Because with forgiveness comes a lack of calculation. No score to keep.
What eventually becomes the only way out of the cycle, in my current point of view, is to learn to accept certain things about people. That still paints a pretty bleak picture. Let's say I stop remembering all the times a family member, spouse, friend, or whoever has hurt me. The next time something comes around, this person apologizes. After acknowledging how it made me feel, I make peace with him/her, accept the apology, and we move on. Then this person does the same thing again later on. Now, I could stay in the cycle, or I could learn to stop letting this behavior hurt me. I could view it as an aspect of this person's character outside of his/her feelings for me.
I know I need to stop viewing forgiveness through the lens of controlling my life. The sooner I learn to give up on that the better. I could expect less, or nothing, or stop believing in people altogether... Mmm, that sounds real healthy, doesn't it? I've already trimmed my expectations down numerous times over the years and come up with the same results.
Well, I could keep arguing my case, or I could beg someone out there who knows the great, unlikely Korean mother and will explain her mystery to me?
In the meantime, I think I will ask forgiveness from myself. If I'm going to walk into Yom Kippur with a clean slate, I need to ask myself to forgive my inability to have this all figured out:
I'm sorry I haven't come up with a solution to your troubles in these matters. I'm sorry I've placed you in numerous situations to feel tested and discarded. I'm sorry I haven't valued you enough to pull you from those endless tunnels of blame and doubt and show you that you don't need to know everything, please everyone. I'm sorry that I don't always listen when you need to stop, slow down, not be the dependable one for a day. I'm sorry I have not found ways to make sure that someone is there for you when it's your turn to fall apart. I'm sorry I can't always hold your head up high when I know you've done the best you can. I'm sorry I've allowed the actions of others to define you. I'm sorry I haven't been strong enough to assure you that you have come a long way, and that you have chosen meaningfully, with your heart, the people in your world. I'm sorry I have blamed you for things you cannot control. I'm sorry I've held on to silly dreams and childhood fantasies about "real friendship" and "true love" rather than explore the reality of your relationships. I'm sorry I've dragged you around in pointless intellectualism when what you might have needed was to scream, to cry, to let someone go. I'm sorry I have been unable to set you free.
For these actions I ask myself for forgiveness, to atone for my wrongs, and to reconcile with myself. I have no specific intention of continuing this behavior. If I fail, I am human, like the other humans in my world that I must forgive, and I am learning, like everyone else, these tricky ropes as I climb to the high standards of the great Korean mother.
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