While away on sabbatical, I found myself in a conversation with a stranger.
That, in itself, should sound relatively strange. I am not the most approachable person. It's not so much because I seem unfriendly as it probably seems that I'm preoccupied, in my own universe.
But, there I was, walking into a small town coffee shop. The frazzled barista behind the counter hung up the phone and commenced with the appropriate script. "Hi there! How are you?"
I smiled with sympathy. "I'm doing alright. How are you?"
"Good, thanks!" it came through subtly gritted teeth.
"You sure about that? I'm not terribly convinced, " I smiled deliberately.
Her guard broke entirely. She admitted to having had "one of those days" and commented on a boyfriend issue or what not. I had just spent two and a half days in my own head, so I was welcoming to the discussion of the problems of someone else.
"That's pretty impressive," said this youthful voice to my left. I was almost startled by her presence. Beside me with both feet on the seat of her stool, knees up to the chin, a fourteen year old girl studied me. Her long stringy dark hair dangled around mismatched, stitched together patterns under black pants and a dark t-shirt. She looked up sincerely with light brown eyes... a strange color actually. They reminded me of a baby's eyes, still choosing a permanent color.
"What is?" I had to laugh.
"You actually asked a question. You wanted to know how she was doing. Seriously."
"Well, I know most people treat it like a greeting, but I think that's condescending. We're human beings. We come into contact with interesting people everyday and we probably don't know it because we don't actually take the time to find out who they are."
I had a funny, funny feeling talking to her. I couldn't decide if this was the sort of chat I would have with a future daughter... or talking to the younger version of myself. She reminded me so very much of me... thinking she knew better than those around her but wanting desperately two contradictory things: to help others, and to brutally be herself with no apologies.
That often is a prescription for... well, not success.
"I have this friend," she seemed to be consulting me, therapist to therapist, "who was walking into a bad situation. I couldn't just watch him do it. I told him, 'Look, she's not really interested in you. She's going to use you and let you go. She's in a different league than you.' But he wouldn't listen me. So, he got together with her, they went out, and, sure enough, she dumped him. He told me, 'I will never do that again. If you say she's bad news, I'll believe you from now on.'"
"Well, get used to that, " I tried to warn her. "Even this friend may 'do it again' and fall for the wrong girl. Don't put the value of what you know to the test of others... because you'll never be satisfied with the results. Most people need to make mistakes, or find out that they're making mistakes, on their own. No matter how much you warn them, you can't force anyone to harness their emotions. That's a skill you need to be grateful for on your own and pass it along consciously... in a way people can accept. That requires a different concentration to your natural gift for smelling trouble."
She nodded reluctantly. She's really a remarkable girl. She told me she wanted to be a psychologist and talk to families and children... an old goal I once possessed... until someone pointed out the obvious. I would worry constantly. I would take the pain of my patients home and wrestle with it night and day... I wouldn't be able to compartmentalize.
Maybe this child will go on to do what I could not. I think she's a stranger I will miss for a long time... knowing I would have no place in her world. I would be the frustrated counselor wondering why she won't listen to me... that afternoon, I was just a fellow healer... which, coming from a fourteen year old girl, I take as a high compliment.
But, she's on my mind tonight in reference to how we live our language. Do we know what we're saying? Do we mean it when we say, 'How are you?' Do we really want to know if we ask an acquaintance, 'So, how have you been?' Do we have gratitude and kindness for the waitress who asks us bright-eyed and sweetly, 'Can I get you anything else?' Is the phrase 'I love you' a habit, or do we hold it for the times when it's the only phrase that will do?
I'm an advocate for meaningful living. For using the accurate phrases, not falsely honeyed niceties. If I can't say it and mean it, I avoid saying it at all. I've stepped out of several hugs, many 'I love you's, and even more 'Let's do this again sometime's, in order to avoid being fake. Surely, on some days, I'll order my coffee blankly and do the whole HiareyouI'mwelltooThanksforasking thing. But, largely, I try to mean what I say.
I have a friend who has walked away from the typical "Bless you" after a sneeze. In her case, it doesn't mean anything to her. She does not believe in a large, divine benefactor who takes orders at the drop of a bacterial replication in the nostrils of any human being at any time. She has found another phrase to utilize to offer the societal expectation a wish she can genuinely offer.
I try also not to fall into the trap of expectations. That goes for everyone. If I can't offer the typical exchange of phrases, I won't. If I can tell someone expects me to reciprocate a sentiment that I don't in fact feel, I find a way to thank them for theirs and leave myself out of it.
This process is not as stark as it sounds. There's woman I used to work with who says, "I love you," every time she sees me. I always return her feeling, every single time. I can't say that I don't, because, though we don't really spend anytime together, I care about what happens to her, how she's feeling, where she's been or where she'll end up... so I can see that as a form of love. She has no children and sort of sees me as the daughter she might have had. I find no harm in going along with this idea...
My point is I think it's a great thing to learn to think about how we interact with the world and find a way truest to ourselves to live with others. I don't believe in sparing people insincerely. If I had no love for that woman whatever, I'd never say, "I love you, too." I'd say, "You're so sweet," or something else that I felt sincerely. Even with those I consider to be my nearest and dearest, I won't offer sentiments I don't have. Same for one of my friends... I told her once how she seems to be one of the closest people to me, among my friends... she offered another person in my life... I followed her logic and took no offense to the fact that she could not necessarily say the same to me. We have a special friendship, and her honesty never betrays that in my eyes. I require no false place-holding words to comfort me. I prefer the truth.
I hope most of us find that courage. To not expect reciprocation... rather, to expect authenticity... to want our friends and family to be themselves, to be happy being themselves, and to never pressure anyone to feel any differently.
Here's to knowing what we say, never feeling pressured to have feelings other than our own, and to avoid to the best of our ability to expect ourselves out of the mouths of others...
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