I've been in a handful of conversations this week that concerned some lost friendships/relationships... people that inevitably moved us in our lives but at some point cannot be permitted to or tolerated to stay there. I hope we all hold what they contributed closer to our hearts and then let them go without dwelling on why they had to leave.
I can think of two examples off the top of my head for tonight...
First, we'll call her Janice. I met her in high school in my freshman English class. She was spirited but respectful and full of the most delightful unobtainable dreams. Much less experienced with boys than I (yes, even at that point) she would write me hopeful letters, dreams, poems, and short stories about her fantasy guy...
...who's not like any guy I've encountered... not in reality. This guy is a paradox. He's strong, independent, chivalrous, and romantic, but he refuses to open the door or pay for you. I don't know... it just doesn't jive for me. I watched her date three guys who all had a polite, considerate streak in them... so, naturally, when aspects of that characteristic were applauded while their attempts to get the door for her or pay for their date were scorned, they were a bit confused.
One guy seemed to try his hardest to go along with her bizarre agenda... she wanted someone to dote on her, but not admit it? I couldn't figure out how he did it. I was pretty impressed with him actually, and that happens rarely. I'm pretty protective of my gal pals and if you don't fit the bill, I'm not shy to point it out. However, this guy was kind and found a way to give Janice her space wherever she needed to feel like She-Ra or something. They eventually decided to get married and I was not at all concerned for her.
I guess I should have been more concerned for him.
She reminds me of those women that grew up with the idea that you need to find love from a man in your life to fulfill your dreams until she saw that awful piece of crap Ever After on cable no doubt. This film has really screwed up a generation of young women... that you have to be able to do everything and then find a man who's willing to do it for you but not let him. Janice must have been surprised when her husband remained accommodating and she eventually turned to the internet to find someone more exciting than he was... I call this Madame Bovary syndrome when you ignore the sweet person who treats you halfway decently to pursue the minimum wage moron who knows more about "the ways of the world" than your attentive husband who's willing to learn (which is half the battle... that precious willingness).
I know that all sounds very judgmental. It might sound less so if her letters weren't plastered with her problems. I'd address each one with great care and concern, and then she'd deny them in her next response while doing whatever ignoble and irresponsible thing she wanted to do.
Despite this, for a period of time, she was like the sister I never had... for a brief period of time, we shared all our horrid little fantasies without recrimination and had someone to whom we weren't ashamed to say, "I love you," "I miss you," "I could never find someone as wonderful as you," etc. We were able to express so much love in our letters to each other during that brief time when we were on the same page. She was there through a few of my more terrible experiences and always found a way to lift me out of the ditch...
...which is where I find my second example. I'll call him Jim. I felt so sorry for him when I met him... he had had a truly frightful upbringing. He was abandoned at an early age in the home of another relative while observing from a close distance his parents' raising a whole different family after him (he has one brother and one sister). No one ever discussed this arrangement. He was physically and emotionally abused at home and had plenty of trust issues and complexes to go around. Feeling brave or really stupid, I guess, I decided to devote about 7 months of my young adult life to him.
I won't go into detail. Abstracts are easier... even now, I prefer not to remember it all because it was highly unpleasant. We fought every day... I mean every damn day. Once I was folding clothes when he got up to use the restroom during a movie we were watching. When he returned we yelled for about two hours because he felt I was belittling the significance of this film to him by folding laundry. Another time we argued for a few hours because I confessed that I didn't believe in hell (he's a Baptist... enough said?). The real scary one was when I brought him flowers to work, and when I spun in his office swivel chair after work hours, he yelled at me, I walked away, got in my car, and he chased me in his car all over Newport News to finally corner me and continue the argument I had tried to stop by walking away. The only day we didn't fight was on my birthday... guess that was his gift to me. I would have wanted something else... maybe for somethings that passed between us to have never happened...
We eventually broke up (I'm not completely bent) but then I befriended him on his birthday the year after. We remained friends for a few years (secretly... my mother had some reasons to hate him and would not have been happy to learn that bit of information at the time) and I talked him through many relationship blunders and issues with his folks. Finally, he violated my trust one night when I was vulnerable and feeling that I had lost a great potential love, and I haven't really spoken to him since. In his defense (I feel no burden defending him... he is a damaged person and I refuse to judge him... if you knew what I knew...) he did try to apologize. He left me a long message on my voice mail...
But this is my point. Not everyone needs to be a part of your life long-term. I felt useful to him and was able to sort of "take care" of someone during a time when I could barely take care of myself physically (my brain worked while my body felt broken). He brought me to such a low, quiet, unrecognizable version of myself that I learned where my limits were... that sounds dumb, maybe, but I'm one of those "see it; then believe it" kind of learners. I was reduced to a fraction of all that I truly was once he emerged into the picture and, in that demonstration, he gave me the keys to set myself free and to never let anyone bring me down so low again.
Not all the people in your life that need to go are this destructive... I doubt there's a precise formula. I guess the important thing is to think of how to act out of love. Really, in every situation, if you act out of love for all involved, then you'll find the best thing to do. Maybe I am someone's Jim and need to give him/her space to heal and leave me in the past with other hard lessons. Maybe I'm someone's unimpressive Janice and need to not only free that person to their preferred lifestyle rather than hold them back in my uglier phases, I can now move on without feeling held to the rules and regulations of their world and express myself as I am happiest with people willing to accept me. And aside from the extreme Janices and Jims of creation, there are plenty of people who simply need to go down a different path... a path I cannot follow or would want to follow with or without them in my life.
But I am grateful for the lessons, the love, the time spent to make me more who I am now.
To all my dearly dismissed, I thank you, most sincerely, from the middle of my heart.
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