Wednesday Valuables: Family Friendships

In considering friendships, I'm looking at my parents still... Not only have they managed to stay married to each other for 25 years, but their most valuable friendships have also lasted for many, many years.

Daddy has a best friend that is frequently mistaken to be his brother (it's a beard thing). They met either during or before Daddy's first marriage. During his divorce, they lived together in the house where my family currently resides. Like most close relationships, going through something tough together tends to cement personal attachments. Daddy asked him to be the best man at his wedding to my mom, to be the gdfather of his sons, and this friend seized the moment he missed 25 years ago and made a toast at my parents' renewal last week.


The only example I have in my life that compares is of course my best friend. We met in high school and survived each others' moods, cycles, boyfriends, differences, new friendships, and several moments of physical distance (she's lived in Maryland and Louisiana). We were the maid/matron of honor in our weddings and I am the one of the gdmothers of her first child. I suppose if we have a moment of hardship that brought us together, it might be high school... which is most torture in itself... there was also the death of our grandmothers, the loss of loves, the birth of her daughter, and several emergencies in which we were all each other had on which we could depend. We've grown to a point where, like Daddy and his best friend, we're like the family we didn't have. We are the kind of sisters that make it safe and comfortable to be absolutely whatever we are whenever we are...

My mom, on the other hand, is closest to her younger sister. Considering their personalities and how they grew up, they bonded over those instances that only they can understand. As time goes by, all three of the sisters (my grandmother had five kids... three girls, two boys) have found a unique friendship. We play canasta together whenever we can and they each help out with all our family's special occasions from potluck dinners to graduations to Mom's renewal ceremony... both sisters participated in the hand fasting ritual (if only they knew how pagan that is... teehee...) and the oldest went through a lot of trouble decorating the (hideous) reception hall while the youngest pitched in as she always does without request.

(Four of the five in correct birth order, oldest left, youngest right)

I don't share this kind of regular closeness with my half sisters... and my brothers, being twins, tend more towards talking to one another if they talk at all (They are 19 now, after all). They still make our special relationship evident to me... I don't feel like any other person has the place I do in their hearts. I have been consulted, as they get older, on other matters that are important to them (so far, girls or writing advice). I never thought I'd love anyone like I do my brothers... and I don't even know why sometimes. I'm not one who is convinced that bloodlines result automatically in love. I feel it takes trust, mutual interests/values, inexplicable sentiment, etc.. My brothers and I have very few interests in common. While they tolerate the reading material I've insisted on offering them, their main hobbies involve racing... and I'm not able to return the favor of tolerance in that department.

Friends that are family are a different animal though. The friends you make outside of kin that last exist by choice. While I'm no stranger to making excluding choices with family members, part of the friendships made within family owe a lot to the fact that you can't get away from them. :)

Of course, that makes it special still to become friends with siblings, aunts, uncles, parents, etc, despite or in spite of whatever you experienced with them while growing up. It takes unique courage to release those issues and make way for a new relationship. I can say for certain that my closeness with family members have changed over the years in spite of disappointments, adolescent judgments, personal hardships, misunderstandings, etc. Once my brothers hit five years old (as in, they could do more than crawl and drool) I was completely in love and remain smitten still. Then after making it past pre-teen angst, I decided after lunching in the cafeteria with a bunch of gabbing gits, who all gave reasons for "hating" their mothers, that my mom and I were going to be pals. When I was younger, I made decisions predominantly based on my desire to stand out and be different (fitting in was not my youthful plight... I was self-aware enough out of the womb to know that being different or strange was a better route for me). However, that social faux pas eventually evolved into my mom being one of my dearest friends. She is the person I call every day (it's morbid, but if I go missing, I want at least one person to notice... David's uncle was discovered dead long enough after he actually passed that I decided to make my presence known). She and I are different enough that when she confides in me, compliments me, and tells me what she thinks of me, I believe it. Yeah, she's my mother and biased, but we have so little in common that if she didn't mean it, I doubt she would say it. No one makes it good to be me the way she does...

My aunts have also become great friends of mine. My mom's youngest sister made it clear that she loved me through ALL my phases, good and bad... and the oldest sister and I eventually discovered mutual lifestyle choices and interests that have definitely made us pals in the adult stage of my life.

As I've gotten older, these are the sorts of friendships that make it easier to grow up. The people who have known your phases and respect the newness of who you become help the cushion the blow of future transitions. They are your safe place. They are home.